Worst Arguments Made Against Defunding the Police

Welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic! I’m your host and Betty White stunt double, Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.

On today’s episode, we do all the troubling work of thinking for you. Our subjects are Worst Arguments Made For Defunding the Police and How Biden Showed Putin the US of A is Still a Force to Contend With.

We shall begin with:

Worst Arguments Made For Defunding the Police

“Don’t worry. Our criminals are really friendly. He’s just doing that because he likes you.”
“As long as the dead guy on your lawn isn’t you, then it’s really nothing to worry about.”
“If retailers would just lock away their goods from the consumers who want to buy them, then criminals couldn’t get to them either.”
“What about hiring a retired arthritic sixty-five year old man as a security guard to protect your merchandise? You ever thought about that? I mean, take some responsibility, you capitalist pig.”
“Why arrest anyone when the DA will just drop all charges anyway? You know, unless you shoot a protestor who was attacking you. Then the DA drops the hammer.”
“Hey, what’s a kid like that doing out there with a gun anyway?” Uh, the job of the police. (That joke was taken from a conversation I had with an old high school buddy, Rodney Koch, who originated the line. Thank you, Rod, but regretfully, there is no compensation.)
“Don’t fret that the police are defunded. We’re calling in all former class monitors to help with the shortage. You see, we believe in the honor system. If you take a package from Amazon off someone’s porch, when you steal something you don’t need, put a package back on someone’s porch. Eventually, it’ll all work out.”

“Have you ever been to a riot? They’re a blast. Somebody even supplied the bricks. It’s like a potluck. ‘You brought the explosives and fuses. I brought the matches.’”
“You wouldn’t need the police if you’d just cooperate with the criminal.”
“Let me ask you this. How do you get a hold of the police? You dial 911? Don’t you think you spend enough time on your phone? That you used to have.”
“Many cops only make as much as an employee at Target. You want to give Target employees guns? What do you think they’re going to be aiming at?”
“High-crime neighborhood is really a racist phrase. We want equity. Every neighborhood a high-crime neighborhood.”
“Apparently, if you don’t solve a murder within the first 48 hours it goes unsolved, so why even try? And by the way, can we defund the police drama shows. Do we need two versions of Law & Order? How many CSI are there? Fund some comedies. Then we could all have some riotous laughter. (That’s the Democrats favorite band, by the way—Quiet Riot.)”

“Officers have not been properly trained in how to give hugs.”
“I can sue a police officer who shoots me if I live. That incentivizes the police to kill me.” Coming soon from Paramount Pictures: Counselor Dread!
“Okay, Ramon, I noticed you stabbed Rick here. Now did that hurt, Rick?”

“Yes.”

“See, Ramon, now we know getting stabbed hurts. Alright we made good progress today. Rick, Rick, stay with me, Rick. (Beat) I’m still charging him for the full hour. My next appointment’s a dumpster fire. No, it’s right over there. An actual dumpster fire.”

Defund the Counselors!

And now…

How Biden Showed Putin the US of A is Still a Force to Contend With

As 175,000 Russian troops collect just outside the border of the Ukraine, a move that only makes sense when invasion is imminent, President Biden called Putin and laid down the U.S. response to such an action.

First, he told Putin that the US would no longer carry Russian Nesting Dolls. So, yeah, that move will crush the continuing influence of Russian culture upon U.S. citizens.

Then Biden assured Putin that we could do other things, more forceful things, you know, if we weren’t so concerned about defunding the police. We can’t be preventing break-ins of other countries when we’re not even willing to prevent break-ins in our own.

Appealing to Putin’s humanity, Biden asked, “Didn’t you get my birthday card?” I mean, if you send totalitarian dictators birthday cards and they don’t behave, what’s really to be done?

That’s when Biden heard someone laughing and had to confront Putin: “Did you let China listen in again? You promised me you wouldn’t do that anymore?” And Putin assured Biden that it was not China laughing. It was Iran.

The Biden Administration made the announcement that we will not be sending a U.S. diplomat to the Olympics in Beijing. Instead, the U.S. will be sending someone rude. So, take that China. Meet Rosanne Barr. That’s right. To show China we mean business, we have to send a Trump supporter.

Does this mean we won’t be sending athletes to Beijing? Not at all. Joe Biden is no Jimmy Carter and it’s really hard to tell who should be more offended by that line.

As Russia is looking to invade Ukraine, China keeps looking at Taiwan. The Biden administration has responded to China’s aggression with “Strategic Ambiguity.” And what’s tragic about that statement is that it sounds like a joke, but it’s not. That’s what they officially call it. There you have the tragedy of the Biden administration—when you report the facts about them, it still sounds like satire.

Remember Pearl Harbor, because it appears the Biden administration doesn’t.

That’s our program for today. I want to thank our director, Jefferson Drexler, our executive producer, Joel Fieri, our social media master, Danny Avila, and my cowriter Ron McGehee. I’d also like to thank Ron Bass for our new intro graphics.

If you liked this episode, but sure to click like, because there is no “loved it” button. Even if you only found it mildly amusing, click like, because we might be funnier in the future. If you want to fight the rising tide of wokeness in this country, click like to join a truly peaceful protest. And please subscribe, because that’s the most meaningful vote of all.

I’m Thor Ramsey and I hope you’re less woke, America.

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