Woke World of Disney
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls—welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic, episode 10 of Season 2. I’m your host and Gender Specific Mouseketeer, Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.
Remember the good ole days when you didn’t have to prescreen a Disney movie for your kids? Thanks, Disney. Now every time my kids want to watch a stupid Disney movie, I have to do homework because I’m not ready to discuss transgender unicorns with my four-year old.
You know what’s ironic about the LGBTQIA — that’s right — they’ve added IA, which I believe stands for Intelligence Artificial. Anyway, what’s ironic about the LGBTQIA Disney Plus community? They’re evangelical. They treat their agenda like it’s the gospel. They want your children to believe. So, when I hear Disney executives talk about their transgender and pansexual children, I wonder… I just wonder… does it have anything to do with the parents’ political beliefs? Because I’m guessing, these aren’t right of center Republicans. And if they are—they’re really bad Republicans. RBRs.
No child decides he’s transgender or pansexual without an able parent to confuse him.
Disney Executive Producer Latoya Raveneau said that the leadership has been “so welcoming to my not-at-all-secret gay agenda.” Yeah, it’s hard to have a secret gay agenda when your video is leaked. It is essential to know that a company that teaches about leadership qualities, is a company that excels.
And leaked is exactly the right word, because Disney’s message to parents seems to be—“Piss on you.” (I know it’s an offensive word. I considered using the word tinkle because it sounds more Christian, but I’m afraid the situation called for that particular word. Forgive me if I triggered you or if you have to go to the bathroom now.)
Then Raveneau said that wherever she could, she added queerness to kid’s programming. Yeah, there have been some changes—Huey, Dewey and Ambrosia.
It makes everything suspect. Winnie the Pooh and Tiger too. What’s that mean now?
Please, just leave the classics alone. I don’t want Disney to reimagine Peter Pansexual. No wonder he wasn’t interested in Wendy… and just wanted to stay with the boys.
There’s one Disney character who is simply named “The Evil Queen.” They’ve changed that to “Angry Gay Man.”
Another Disney executive wants 50% of all Disney characters to be LGBTQIA. If she gets hold of the Infinity Gauntlet and snaps her fingers, you may suddenly find yourself with a butterfly tattoo while writing a fitness blog and using words like “intersectionality.”
I do feel horrible that I’ve been misgendering these cartoon characters all these years. I thought Donald Duck was a duck. I thought Pluto was a dog. I thought Mickey was a mouse. Turns out Donald identifies as a cat. Goofy is non-binary and Mickey is Minnie. No wonder I didn’t get Disney cartoons! The question remains, “What is Goofy?” Just be careful to never say, “That kid is goofy.”
And where are Donald’s pants? That’s probably why he hasn’t been in any live action movies.
Tiger used to brag that the wonderful thing about being a Tiger is that he’s the only one. That’s not inclusive. Thanks to the activism of the other animals, Tiger has been banned from the Hundred Acre Woods.
For years and years, narrow-minded religious people have been asking, “How come there’s no dad in Kanga and Roo’s life?” Now narrow-minded progressives are asking, “Where’s the other mommy?”
Look forward to new seven dwarfs: Dopey, Doc, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Drag Queeny. (No one’s Bashful anymore.)
Cinderella’s happy about it all. She’s switching to glass Birkenstocks. Just a little more comfortable.
When you rub Aladdin’s Lamp you get three wishes, one for each gender. But that doesn’t even work because there are like sixty-five.
Now everyone is just waiting for someone charming to rescue them. Be careful if you kiss a frog, because you don’t know what you’re gonna get.
New things in Tomorrowland: non-gender specific space suits. Wait. Haven’t space suits always been non-gender specific? Except for the original Lost in Space where the suits hugged the mom and teenage daughters. When a space suit drives you wild, you know they’re not following the science.
When I was a kid, there was a stage version of Peter Pan and Pan was played by an actress (Mary Martin). Then the gymnast Cathy Rigby played Peter Pan. Turns out Peter Pan was on hormone blockers.
Now I know why they stopped selling raccoon hats—because they didn’t look good on boys or a girls.
Disney wants to sexualize your kindergartner, because, you know… they’re trying to undue the damage of racist cartoons like The Jungle Book. Now, if that doesn’t make sense, I know, right?
The problem with classic Disney films is that they support classic family values. In other words, they conserve the values, pass them on, celebrate them. Yeah, conserve is the root of conservative. Now you see the problem?
Pinocchio no longer wants to be a real boy. He wants to be on the girl’s swim team. “I’d be great. You know wood floats.” His first sponsor is Tampon. “I got no strings on me.”
They’re reimagining Dumbo as a documentary of the Republican Party.
Could they even make The Swiss Family Robinson today? I mean, the family knelt and prayed in that movie. There are movies Disney is embarrassed to allow to be seen today, so they’re just reimagining them.
Pollyamourous Anna.
Not to be outdone, Universal Pictures announced that it will be implementing an LGBTQIA update as well. Upcoming films include Queen Kong, Drag-ula, My Two Mummies and The Invisible Ma’am.
In Disney’s new Freaky Friday, the dad and his daughter switch bodies and finally everyone is happy.
“LGBTQI and now they’ve added A. LGBTQI and now they’ve added A. Mickey Mouse. Minnie Mouse? Mickey Mouse. Minnie Mouse? Don’t you dare misgender Mickey Mouse. Mouse, boy, girl? Who’s to say what a woman is, you cannot know. Who’s to say what a woman is, you cannot know.”
That’s our program for today, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I want to thank our director, Jefferson Drexler, our executive producer, Joel Fieri, our social media master, Danny Avila, and my cowriter Ron McGehee. I’d also like to thank Ron Bass for our new intro graphics.
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I’m Thor Ramsey and I hope you’re less woke America.
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