Why Joe Biden’s Body Double is Polling Higher Than He Is
Welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic!. I’m your host and Spell Check Fact Checker, Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.
As you can see from our set, season 2 of The Protest Show has been upgraded, thanks in large part to our new sponsor. Today’s show is NOT sponsored by Chevrolet. What’s odd about sponsorship is that if Chevrolet paid me to say that, there wouldn’t be a problem. But if I say it for free, they can sue me. (Maybe they got it mixed up, because I know in AA you’re not supposed to talk about your sponsor. At least that’s what it said on Hunter’s laptop.)
And here I thought “word of mouth” was the best advertisement, not that I would ever buy a Chevrolet, which is why they’re only our fake sponsor.
It all makes sponsorship very confusing. I guess some companies feel they have so much clout that they only want to associate with programs that have deep pockets, which is to say 99 percent of the products in your local grocery store would sue me if I mentioned them.
But this set is an upgrade. Thanks to all the work I lost during the COVID crisis, both of our cars were repossessed, so now I can use the entire garage for the show instead of just part of it.
At least I think they were repossessed. They could have just been stolen. Either way, the guy was wearing a mask.
Today’s program is actually sponsored by The Life Size Cardboard Cutout of Kyle Rittenhouse. Simply place it in your window for home protection. “Is your house a Rittenhouse?”
Now, for our first official segment of season two.
You may have seen this story last year (probably not if you watch CNN, MSNBC, PBS or any of the other lame stream media), but it’s completely true. (Yeah, it’s a satirical news program, except for this part.) Kamala Harris hired a lookalike to attend an event in her place. That’s right. She hired someone to impersonate her. Now we know why they’ve kept the mask mandates in place? She shamefully appropriated the Ninja culture. Ninjas everywhere are outraged. You hear that? [Nothing.] That’s the sound of a peaceful protest.
It was obvious the impersonator wasn’t Kamala, because she didn’t cackle every 30 seconds. And she slipped up when she said she had been to the border.
Or was it a lookalike?
What we discovered about Kamala’s motives for having a body double is that it wasn’t about fear of safety, it was about fear of judgment. She found someone who looked better in her outfits. She was battling body shaming with body shamming.
The bad news is that Joe Biden also has a lookalike, but he’s been polling higher than President One-hundred-and-Eighty-million-wink-wink.
Our crack team of investigative journalists (though we’re trying to get them help for their addiction) has uncovered why the body double is polling higher than the actual Biden. And here are the reasons…
Why Joe Biden’s Body Double is Polling Higher Than He Is
He’s someone other than Joe Biden. I mean, if we’re going to have a fake president, then let’s have a fake president.
Whenever you see an interview with Biden and he’s speaking clear and coherently—that’s the double.
A lot of noteworthy individuals have used lookalikes—Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-un and Queen Amidala from the Star Wars prequels. And lest we forget, Jan Brady did in one of Brady Bunch episodes.
Why Joe Biden’s Body Double is Polling Higher Than He Is:
Even Jill couldn’t tell the difference. And she’s a doctor. But to be fair, he was asleep during the colonoscopy.
If our president’s going to fake it, then we need a better actor. So, a body double only makes sense.
Besides, a fake president works better with fake news.
Other reasons the lookalike is polling higher:
His daughter didn’t lose her diary. And his son doesn’t even own a laptop.
He can walk up an entire flight of stairs without falling.
When he pulls his hair back, he doesn’t have horns.
He lives in the East Wing, which is where all the Biden administration policies are coming from.
Secret service men don’t have to follow him everywhere, so people at the local grocer are really impressed when the President is just out “grabbing a bag of licorice.”
The lookalike Biden challenged the real Biden to a Duel-to-the-death using nothing but the White House symbol as a shield and a butterknife. Winner takes all.
Why Joe Biden’s Body Double is Polling Higher Than He Is:
He comes with a fake Kamala, which I guess would be the actual Kamala. I’m sorry. That’s confusing, but so is the real Joe Biden.
President Biden recently visited Disneyland’s Hall of Presidents and was told by an aid, “The guy on the end is you.” After which he entered into a debate with his animatronic self and, I’m sad to report, lost. Press secretary Psaki attributed the loss to the fact that two-hours into the debate the animatron didn’t need a nap. “It wasn’t a fair fight,” she claimed.
The troubling thing about a doppelgänger Biden is that it would mean, we’re on the evil planet.
That’s our program for today. I want to thank our director, Jefferson Drexler, our executive producer, Joel Fieri, our social media master, Danny Avila, and my cowriter Ron McGehee. I’d also like to thank Ron Bass for our new intro graphics.
If you liked this episode, but sure to click like, because there is no “loved it” button. Even if you only found it mildly amusing, click like, because we might be funnier in the future. If you want to fight the rising tide of wokeness in this country, click like to join a truly peaceful protest. And please subscribe, because that’s the most meaningful vote of all.
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I’m Thor Ramsey and I hope you’re less woke, America!