The Vaccinated vs. The Unvaccinated
Welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic, episode 6 of Season 2. I’m your host and deep voice tutor (I gave lessons to Elizabeth Holmes), Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.
Personally, I’m not against the vaccination. I’m just against Draconian measures to get people vaccinated like firing them from their jobs if they don’t or requiring vaccination IDs to get into a descent restaurant or removing the first born child from their homes. Oh, that’s only Australia? Okay.
Speaking of Australia, things are getting out of hand in Italy where a man tried to get the vaccination with a fake arm. True story. He nearly got away with it, until the nurse noticed the fake mannequin head next to the fake arm. But that wasn’t the real giveaway. At that point the nurse just asked what personal pronoun the mannequin head preferred: “It or they?” The giveaway was that she couldn’t find a vein in the fake arm. Or in the fake neck of the head for that matter. Still, you have to admire the attempt. For years now in the state of New York, in a court of law people could swear to tell the truth by holding up a fake arm.
I was at Starbucks the other day and they wanted to kick me out because I didn’t have a vaccination passport, but then I just told them I was homeless and they left me alone. Well, after they handed me a needle.
Did you get vaccinated because you were afraid of COVID? Or because you were afraid of losing your job? So, here’s what I’m hearing on the street, if by street you mean a dystopian digital world called Twitter. In a free society, you are free not to get vaccinated and your employer is free to fire you for not getting vaccinated. Remember, that’s called freedom. Not coercion. Coercion would be if I punished you for not taking the action I demanded you take, like if I wanted you to get the jab but you refused to get the jab for your own reasons and then I fired you for not getting the jab for my reasons. Wait a second. I think I’m confusing freedom and coercion, but that often happens to married people. Well, in any case, the good news is (thanks to California laws) employees can rebut their employer by organizing a smash and grab… and not serve a day in jail. That’s true freedom.
On the other hand, you can always get outed as a religious zealot when you come waltzing in with that religious exemption form. What would Jesus do? He’d be healing a line of people with Covid. Have you never read the New Testament?
Last month I was in Nebraska at the Audubon Society hotel. Well, where do you go for vacation? Anyway, I stepped into an empty elevator. The door was about to close when I noticed an elderly couple approaching, so I held the door for them. And the elderly woman stopped for a moment before entering and said, “Are you vaccinated?” I said, “No. Are you?” She said, “Yes.” Then I asked, “Then why are you afraid to get on an elevator with me?” Then she said, “Bye. I cannot reason about the subject. I can only follow the narrative.”
What kind of lame vaccination is this? Well, let’s get this update from the CDC as reinterpreted by Professor Todd Zywicki of George Mason University and punched up by The Protest Show staff of writers. Here are Rochelle Walensky’s (no relation to the Matrix directors) new talking points as briefed by me, her personal assistant.
She’s the director of the CDC by the way, which stands for Center for Disease Control and clearly needs to be renamed because they ain’t controlling nothing.
“For the last year we’ve been telling you that getting vaccinated will prevent you from getting infected and transmitting Covid. Turns out—we were wrong. Vaccination reduces your chances of getting Covid, but not your chances of giving it. All we’re saying now is—stay home because you’re not sick. Because you might get others sick even though you’re not sick yourself. We just feel sick about this. Now, if you find this confusing, just you wait.”
“Scratch everything I just said. Turns out with Omicron you are actually more likely to contract and transmit Covid. But trust us, we are certain that even though getting vaxxed will make you more likely to contract and transmit Covid than someone who is unvaxxed, we know it will protect you from serious illness, because we say so. Serious illness knows we ain’t messin’ around, baby. We are certain the vaccination is safe in both the short term and long term. So get your booster! And don’t ride elevators with the unvaxxed, because you could give them Covid and they could die.”
“Oh, wait! Scratch that ! Turns out you are really only at risk of serious illness and death from Covid if you are older and unhealthy with multiple serious co-morbidities, a word I didn’t even know the meaning of until a month ago because, you know—healthy.
Now the risks of some serious side effects, such as myocarditis in young men, are actually higher. But thanks to record inflation, you young guys don’t have jobs anyway, so there’s no risk of losing it if you refuse the vaccination.
But even though the vaccination increases your risk of contracting Omicron, is unnecessary for those who are young and low risk, is unquestionably harmful to everyone with natural immunity especially against Omicron, and side-effects are higher than we thought, trust us. Get vaxxed and boosted. Otherwise, you won’t be able to order cheese sticks in person.
“And don’t think we’re flip-flopping here. The only reason we told you not to wear masks initially is because we wanted to make sure all the important people had masks first.”
“Oh, by the way, did we mention that boosters are far less effective than initial vaccination, have cumulative risks of adverse effects, and wane by 10 weeks? Why would we mention that? Why be a downer? I’m up for some good news these days, aren’t you?”
Okay, Rochelle, now take that message and sell it to the public. Yeah, all of it. What? Maybe you need more media training to sell that message. Just take a note from a pro, Elizabeth Holmes, and speak with a low voice. That lets people know they should take you seriously.
That’s our show for today. I want to thank our director, Jefferson Drexler, who speaks in falsetto during business meetings, our executive producer, Joel Fieri, our social media master, Danny Avila, and my cowriter Ron McGehee. I’d also like to thank Ron Bass for our new intro graphics.
If you liked this episode, then clearly, you’ve had media training, so click like, because where else can you find this kind of quality . . . besides all over the internet? If you want to fight the rising tide of wokeness in this country, please subscribe, because unlike the mainstream media, our news is funny on purpose.
I’m Thor Ramsey and I hope you’re less woke America.
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