Musk Man to the Rescue!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls—welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic, episode 13 of Season 2. I’m your host and Proud New Owner of CNN+ (I can’t afford Twitter). I got some common core math for you. CNN+ one dollar = new owner. But the fact remains, I’m your host, Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.

Twitter was bought by a men’s cologne—Elon Musk. Not to be confused with Elon Old Spice. Or Jovan Musk, now $4.99 at The Perfume Spot.

I’m trying to get some money together to buy Friendster. If you’d like to help, send a money order to P.O. Box 555 Pueblo, Colorado 55555. If your donation matches the zip code, you get a free mug that says: “This isn’t going to end well.”

Now, I’m sorry if you’re a far-left liberal because it looks like Elon Musk has put his money where your mouth was.

The first thing I did when I found out Musk bought Twitter—I tweeted, “That election was stolen,” and I followed that up with “men are not women.” This is why leftists are very upset with Elon for buying Twitter, so they’re leaving and jumping in their Teslas and… oh, crap.

Something stinks in Denmark. It is being claimed that leftists are jumping ship by the boatload (not that they know anything about the life and death struggle of crossing the ocean to flee an oppressive government). I’m creating a new platform for them. It’s called Bitter. If you’d like to help, send a money order to P.O. Box 555 Pueblo, Colorado 55555. If your donation matches the zip code, you get a free mug that says: “This mug is filled with Ben Shapiro’s tears of laughter.”

No one’s cried this much at Twitter since Trump was elected.

It’s like someone has broken the brainwashing machine! What’s a liberal to do? Jump ship, that’s what. Mark Hamill lost 8,000 followers in one day. The force was not with him.

Then other minor celebrities started bragging about how many followers they lost because of the great Musk exodus. Keith Olbermann lost 1500 followers. Did he lose them because of Musk, or did people finally realize who he is?

Then I stopped flipping through Mark Hamill’s Twitter page because he has 5M followers. Suddenly, I didn’t feel sorry that he lost 8,000 followers. It could just be bots running for the hills. Or those Russian accounts that got Trump elected. “The mission is done. We can go home. Wait. He didn’t win. That Hillary.”

Someone named Richard Hanania posted: “Elon Musk takes over Twitter. He’s a billionaire who doesn’t even have a Master’s degree. Is that who we are going to trust with the future of our democracy?” I’ve been out of the loop, but I didn’t know Twitter was the foundation of democracy. When did that happen? And, Richard, it should be: Is that whom we are going to trust with the future? I know you’re brilliant and everything, but, hey—grammar.

Yes, Musk is a billionaire who doesn’t have a master’s degree. But he’s also a billionaire who has a billion dollars. It sounds like he put his tuition money to good use.

Then Hanania wrote this and didn’t even see the irony: “A few more years on a college campus where he could have been exposed to diverse ideas and professional educators could have made a great difference in his outlook.” And a few more toga parties. That’s what they wore in a real democracy—togas.

That’s why we don’t send our children to your universities—leftist indoctrination. My kids are going to the local Beauty College Truck Driving Training Center Combo Facility.

Then he said Musk has naive notions of free speech. The left has to complicate everything. Otherwise, free speech would mean you can say whatever you want. You have that freedom. No one can stop you except the local theater owner. That’s free speech, right? Oh, no, wait. It’s much more complex than that. You have to take into account something… whatever the left comes up with to make it less free… like, oh, yes, it’s hurtful. It’s misinformation or what we like to call “mainstream media.” My third new platform is called Sticks&Stones. If you’d like to help, send a money order to P.O. Box 555 Pueblo, Colorado 55555. If your donation matches the zip code, you get a free mug that says: “Words can never hurt you… unless they do.”

But this tweet ultimately exposed the leftist mindset: “Many are impressed with Elon Musk’s business accomplishments.” Yeah, Richard, he’s a billionaire… and he just bought Twitter.

“Meanwhile, in academia, we’ve been creating brand new disciplines like queer studies and Chicanx studies that raise Black and LGBT voices. Yet we worship spaceships because they represent whiteness in our culture.” This guy has never watched Deep Space Nine, which is very diverse.

He makes a strong case for sending your child to college to study Colonialism in Puppet Art Anthropology because that will not make anyone a billionaire. And that’s what the world needs—fewer billionaires. What the world does need are more billionaires who are my best friend. Right now, the world has none of those.

Now, what I don’t understand, probably because I’m white, is how spaceships represent whiteness when the whole goal of spaceships is to meet little green men.

Be sure to see the ninth film in the Aliens franchise—Aliens: Open Galactic Border. It’s about a team of liberal astronauts who never leave earth because they only want to explore the outer reaches of safe space.

The big talk now is how the federal government can regulate platforms like Twitter because they did such an excellent job with the post office, remember? Speaking of the post office, send your money order to P.O. Box 555 Pueblo, Colorado 55555. If your donation matches the zip code, you get a free mug that says: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat of night, we will not deliver if it’s a ballot from the right.”

Here’s the kind of thinking our universities are producing these days. Students at the University of Wisconson-Superior want to ban conservative Matt Walsh from speaking on campus. One student said, “As a campus … we’re known for, like, inclusion and diversity and, like, all those different kinds of things, and this guy is promoting hate speech specifically about those kinds of things. Why can’t you just tell this doesn’t follow what our university stands by?” Ladies and gentlemen, we don’t have to write satire today. We just have to report it.

That’s our program for today. For more episodes, visit Christian Podcast Central.com

I want to thank our director, Jefferson Drexler, our executive producer, Joel Fieri, our social media master, Danny Avila, and my co-writer Ron McGehee. Christopher Shawn Shaw prescreens each joke for humorous content and mercilessly shoots down unfunny ones. (He’s gonna do great on the new Twitter.) I’d also like to thank Ron Bass for our new intro graphics.

If you liked this episode, but sure to click like because there is no “loved it” button.

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I’m Thor Ramsey, and I hope you’re less woke America.

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