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I’ve always been attracted to downhill skiing. Mainly because I was madly in love with a skier in high school, and I thought, “She loves to ski. And if I learn to ski, she will love me.” I thought that love doesn’t come from mutual attraction, it comes from mutual hobbies. All I had to do was learn to ski and she would see past my bad haircut, my clumsiness and overall awkwardness. So, we went skiing together. Now, she had been skiing ever since she was a zygote. And I had not. I couldn’t even pull off chewing gum and walking in my ski boots. I looked like Godzilla trouncing through downtown Tokyo. So, after a couple hours, I had improved quite a bit – as far as walking goes – but she had a terrible idea and insisted that I strapped skis on. She suggested that I should start on the bunny hill – which sounds easy enough. But with these giant skis attached to my already awkward legs, I didn’t resemble a bunny at all. I looked like a colicky newborn moose. But I wasn’t alone. There were 130 of us on that bunny hill, and not a single one of us was skiing. We were all just a mass of bodies lying face down in the snow, skis pointing every which way.
Next, we’re joined by one of my favorite comedians, Joby Saad. According to Joby, if he had planned ahead for failure, he would be ahead of schedule right now. Like every performing artist, Joby is trying to get on TV. But instead of immensely talented guys like Joby getting the television gigs, we have men attempting to get swallowed by anacondas. That’s entertainment! And what’s worse – the guy didn’t even get completely swallowed by the snake. The process started, and the guy started whining that the anaconda was hurting him. It was such a downer, since they had advertized this thing to the hilt and raised all our expectations, as viewers. But I can only imagine how disappointing it must have been for the snake guy. I mean, think off all the preparation and training it took for such an event, only to fail so miserably (assuming that there is some practical way to train to be eaten by a snake… I mean what do you do, wiggle around in a sleeping bag?).
Finally, Tim Clue calls into the show to talk about the keys to a good marriage – to be able to laugh at and with one another! Now, Tim admits that he married the perfect woman who understands his sense of humor and pretends to enjoy it. That’s the key. Now, not only is Tim a phenomenal comic, but he’s also a playwrite! According to Tim, his business model is perfect: perform in comedy clubs all across the country in order to make money so he can write and put on plays that do nothing but lose money. “Standing In Mattoon” is Tim’s latest work, based on the town that is home of Lender’s Bagels and the world’s largest blueberry bagel. So, it’s basically a play about small-town pride, small-town angst, faith and bagels.