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Celebrating the third anniversary of the Daren Streblow Comedy Show, the guys and I are nothing if not thankful to God and everyone who has contributed to the development and success of this show. We hope we’ve made you snort milk out of your nose as much as we have while recording this.
Now, to the headlines – from the Daily Herald:
The sky is no longer the limit for an Arlington Heights man and his Chicago-based firm which developed and patented a personal security smartphone app.
The latest innovation of LifeLine Response founder Peter Cahill and his team is the ability for their app to automatically summon an aerial drone, as well as police, to the scene of an attack.
The app has two settings which alert a call center in Erie, Pennsylvania. One activates as soon as someone who feels in a dangerous situation takes his or her thumb off the app’s “dummy switch.”
Giacomo Listi, chief information officer for the company, said that while the drone is intended to collect information from the scene, its highest priority is to scare off an attacker and prevent injury. The drone makes no secret of its presence when it arrives.
The company demonstrated a situation in which a woman is attacked while walking alone. As soon as her thumb came off her phone, it began making a distinct audio warning and indicating that police have been notified of the victim’s identity and location.
The drones can travel at up to 65 mph… and the price of the app will remain at its current $9.99 a year.
This might lead to the end of bullying as we know it!
I mean, Stark Industries has met their match! Move over, Ironman!
But, one question remains: How does the drone know when the confrontation is over? When does it know it’s time to return home, or are you stuck with it following you around all weekend? (okay, maybe that’s two questions).
This got us thinking: what if we could create an app that would summon a drone in more situations than just when you are in danger? Something like a “My Pet Drone” app, that could beckon a drone in situations like these: when you’re lonely, need comfort, need to get rid of an annoying dog, or an annoying person, if you lock your keys in your car, or even if you’re on a bad date.
Then the one and only Sunday School Lady (aka Phil Vischer) joins the show. She taught Sunday School for 57 years without pay – only for the eternal rewards of heavenly blessings (which ironically can’t buy a Happy Meal at McDonalds.) But, before her years of teaching Sunday School, she served as a missionary, spreading the Gospel to cannibals. Now, as anyone knows, cannibals only eat food that come from a can. This came as a surprise, especially when she realized that sometimes they would run out of canned food and get so hungry that they would eat each other! That’s when she told them that heavenly blessings would now be their sustenance – food from heaven, like manna (only less filling). She also taught them to eat bugs, which took care of their canned food problem as well as their eating each other problem.
And that’s when the missions board called her back home to get her out of the jungle and into the Sunday School classroom – which is where she discovered that the only way to teach the Bible is by using a flannel graph board. No matter where in the world or where in human history you are, kids love flannel graph. Because it’s fuzzy. You can’t get that fuzzy feeling from an iPad, iPod, or iPood. Only the felt surface of a flannel graph feels like the comforting fuzz of a peach (or the hair on your mother’s arms).
She did learn a thing or two from her years on the mission field, though. Such as the lesson of context. For instance, when she told them the story of Abraham taking Isaac up the hill to kill him, the cannibals simply thought the dad was taking his son up the hill for dinner!
Finally, The Know-It-All-Guy (aka Denny Brownlee) joins into the show to discuss what to do with your leftovers:
First off, when dealing with cracked eggs, you need to throw it out immediately. Especially if you notice the tell tale signs of inedible egg-stuff such as a beak or feathers. Now, when it comes to eggnog, not very many people know that any common-place eggnog that you find at grocery stores across the country has been genetically modified so that it automatically devolves into a heinous science experiment by January 3rd of each new year. If left out on the counter a few days after that and, voila! You’ve got yourself a natural, organic, Chia Pet!
Finally, remember these rules when it comes to dairy products: Milk is generally considered spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. And, regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk. So, Know-It-All-Guy’s advice is simply this: Wait it out.
The bottom line is this: don’t ever keep any leftovers longer than the typical lifespan of a hamster. Therefore, you may want to keep a hamster in your refrigerator, simply as a gauge.