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In from the UK Independent: Rats are capable of feeling regret about their own actions, an emotion that has never previously been found in any other mammals apart from humans.

(“Regret” as in, “ I wish that I hadn’t stepped into that trap because now these guys in lab coats keep sticking electrodes into my each and every orifice!”)

Researchers set up a test called Restaurant Row in which the rats had to decide how long to wait for food.

“It’s like waiting in line at the restaurant,” Professor David Redish, of Minnesota University, told BBC Nature News. “If the line is too long at the Chinese restaurant, then you give up and go to the Indian restaurant across the street.”

In some cases, the rats decided to move on from one “restaurant” that offered nice food but was taking too long, only to find the next one offered a less popular dish.

Faced with this scenario, the rats often stopped and looked back at the previous restaurant and were more likely to wait for longer for something nice.

(But, what if they were simply looking back at their tail? Did anyone involved in the study take that option into consideration? “Hey, this icky food makes my rear end feel funny. I FEEL REGRET!”)

Professor Redish said they had had to be careful to design the study so that they could monitor signs of regret and not just disappointment.

So, it’s a given that rats emote disappointment? Was this already determined in a previously overfunded study?

In light of all this, I have written, “A Poem for Rats”:

Rats.

Rats.

Not bats.

No, rats.

Brats?   Not Brats. A few spats. A few gnats, but not brats.

Just rats.

Sorry about the cats.

Selah.

Then, as we march forward, Kristin Weber calls into the show to talk about her crazy life. She recently moved back to the original country that she grew up in: Texas. And has even regressed so far that she moved back in with her parents, which has it’s downside, but now she gets two M&M’s every time she uses the potty. But one hitch that comes with living in the Bible Belt is not being hitched at her age. It’s normal to wait to get married if you’re living in Los Angeles, but in Texas, her age actually translates to 90-years-old without a husband to care for. Practically untouchable. But, the best “How To Find A Husband” that she received down south was this: Take a pair of man’s pants and hang them off the foot of the bed. Then, pray to God every night that He will fill those pants with the perfect man! But Kristin is tall, so she’ll need to get a big pair of pants so that she can get a tall man. When she asked the advice giver if she could just borrow a pair of her dad’s pants since he’s tall, the reply came, “Oh, no, sweetie… that’s a little weird.”

Like everything else she had advised made perfect sense, but that “dad pants” thing was weird??? Then she said that Kristin could just go to the Goodwill and pick up a pair of pants. Said, Kristin: “I don’t want a used man!”

But after carefully considering this advice, even more questions came to Kristin’s mind: If she wants a doctor, should she buy some scrubs? If she put a pair of skinny jeans at the foot of her bed, would God grant her a hipster? Or, if she were to place a Bible and some football pants down before she prayed, would Tim Tebow walk into her life with an engagement ring her size?

One could only hope and pray.

And, finally, award winning comedian Andy Beningo joins the show for his first time as our featured guest. Andy’s been at it for about eight years now, and has pulled off A TON of work in such a short amount of time! He’s been on SiriusXm, performs all across the country, worked with the likes of Betty White and Frank Caliendo, and was even chosen as the Clean Guy’s Unbleepable Contest Winner! He started at an open mic night in college, following an “emo-guy” doing a 15-minute long poem about death.

Talk about a “killer” warm up act!

Just by looking at the crowd from the stage point of view, Andy knew that he had found his calling!

But it’s not all been a bed of roses. For one show, Andy drove three hours through a snow storm for a show in Toledo. When he arrived, there was a grand total of six people waiting for him to make them laugh. It more closely resembled a support group than it did a comedy club.

But, hopefully, the days of shuffling chairs and crickets are far, far behind Andy as his career continues to soar!