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Kicking of the show this week, I am joined by my good friend Chris Rossetti, as he hides from his wife in his car. Why is he hiding? Well, dating back to their wedding day, Chris has a terrible problem with opening his mouth and saying things he shouldn’t say.
Obviously, he is the first married man to ever encounter such an ailment!
Starting at their wedding reception, Chris was expected to offer a toast. He was completely unprepared, so he simply uttered the first thing that entered his mind… or maybe it didn’t filter through his mind, which goes back to the origin of the problem. With 300 of their closest Christian friends, Chris lifted his glass and proclaimed:
“Food and drink for my men and horses, for tonight we ride!”
Oddly enough, this wasn’t well received.
Now, at the moment, he thought he was quoting a valiant scene from a classic western movie. When, in actuality, the quote came from an episode of the Andy Griffith show when Otis, the town drunk, rides into the jail cell on a cow!
Then there was Chris and his new bride’s move from Pennsylvania to Florida. As a new husband, about to embark on their first adventure together, he laid down the law:
“We are going to drive until the tank is dry. We will not stop for bathroom breaks. We will not stop for souvenirs. Nothing. Do you understand, woman?!”
Predictably, not thirty minutes down the road, Chris had to go to the bathroom like nobody’s business! Finally succumbing to his basest needs, he also lost every ounce of authority and credibility in his marriage.
Flash forward a couple years and they had their first child. Chris was working at a local grocery store, and one night, his wife asked him to go with her back to the store so that she could grocery shop and have his help with the baby. Now, for nine hours straight, Chris had just witnessed one mom after another juggle their cart, grocery list and children. He simply didn’t understand why he needed to accompany her back to the place that he just stood at for nine hours. Yet, she begged. She pleaded. “Chris, I just need a little help! Please come with me and the baby to the grocery store!”
Calmly, without the “need” of a mental filter, Chris replied:
“Well, what do other mothers do?”
With an equal amount of calm and a double heaping of cold, his wife fired back:
“Some of them shoot their husbands.”
All this brings us to Chris’ current problem.
Flash forward 25 years. Without thinking (surprise, surprise), Chris had promised his bride a while back that he would take her to Italy for their 30th wedding anniversary.
What a guy!
(What a guy with two dollars to his name!!)
Dude needs a gofundme campaign, STAT!
But, Chris thinks he has a way out. As he came home the other night, some door-to-door marketer had left a placard dangling from his doorknob. Typically, he just throws these away, but he quickly noticed that printed on it was a menu for a new Venice Italian Restaurant in town. Chris’ idea is to take his bride to this new restaurant and tell her that he was just kidding about Europe… in his mental image, they’d share a good laugh and celebrate 30 years of marital bliss over a plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
Then again… some women shoot their husbands.
After all this, Chris thinks he has learned the secret to his problem of saying the wrong thing. He needs to follow his father’s example, and instead of talking, he should just begin grunting all the time. That’s why married men in their 60’s are so inarticulate and just walk around mumbling and grunting… it’s not that they can’t speak, it’s just that they’ve learned that they are better off when they don’t!
Next up, veteran stand up comedian, song writer extraordinaire, and communications studies college graduate Rik Roberts joins the show from his hot tub, as I utilize my own communications degree for the first time in 25 years!
Rik, on the other hand, performs at corporate events all around the country, and has his own podcast where he helps comedians learn to communicate more effectively.
Rik’s latest CD, Half Fool, is hilarious! I love one of the tracks in particular. It’s titled “I Love You”, yet it’s not your typical love song. Rik (and his pre-teen son) actually wrote the first version of the song together for Rik’s wife a couple years ago in an attempt to compare things they saw in everyday life to their love for his wife.
Some of the lyrics that Rik and his son came up with include:
I like unbuttered popcorn,
And fingernails on chalkboards,
And root canals, too.
But I love you!
I love you.
There is no doubt,
Like a tiny parasite I can’t live without
Some say you are my better half,
And, I half-way agree with half of that.
I love you!
Rik is now taking his comedy in a more purposeful direction, with the goal to not only entertain people, but to help make the people he encounters better… even drawing them closer to God. The key is that he does this, sometimes at the sake of his own reputation, or according to his new mantra: Impact over Image.
When he was younger and striving to hard to be noticed, release CD’s, and be accepted, Rik realized that he was operating with blinders on – unaware of his opportunities to make a difference in people’s lives. So, now, the world is blessed with not only Rik’s comedy, but wisdom as well!