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Celebrating Independence Day is incredibly fun and exciting every year. But, as with everything incredibly fun and exciting, there are a few frightening aspects as well when you celebrate July 4th in the United States (not that I have celebrated the 4th of July in any other country… I mean, from what I’ve read, the July 4th parties in Britain just don’t have the same energy as here… In fact, I believe they just referred to July 4th, 2016 as simply “Monday”).
But, here we celebrate every year with fireworks. And, there always seems to be that one guy – the guy with a maniacal look in his eye (the one not covered with a patch) and he’s usually missing a few fingers – who knows how to get the illegal fireworks.
When I was a kid, I had a buddy named Kyle who was “that guy”. He and I used to light off M-80’s, which he claimed was like an eighth of a stick of dynamite. I don’t know where Kyle got these things – probably at the same place he got his “authentic” bazooka with a bayonet attached. We used to call him “Kylebo”… since he reminded us of Rambo, especially when he would blow up his action figures with his fireworks just to see how tough his G.I. Joe action figures really were.
Now, please… this is not something you should try at home!
Kyle would light the M-80, which was tied to poor G.I. Joe, and we’d dive behind his DIY bunker and watch the explosion. Now, we never were able to find the action figures after the our little “experiments”. Occasionally, we might find a G.I. Joe arm embedded into a tree a few hundred yards away… and we never put it together that that plastic limb could have been our own skulls at any given point… we were just having good old fashioned fun!
My favorite, though, were smoke bombs!
I loved to light the fuse and then just stare at it whilst holding the smoke bomb two inches from my face. Again, another thing I don’t recommend anyone else try. I’d smell nothing but brimstone for two weeks afterward. I can’t imagine why I now have severe sinus issues as an adult.
I wonder if the guy who introduced fireworks to America every thought, “How can I celebrate my independence while simultaneously harming my nose, eyes, and ears?”
Now, here in Minnesota, it’s not altogether uncommon for our Independence Day fireworks shows to be postponed due to inclement weather. But, being that this is Minnesota, the weather sometimes takes A LONG time to clear up. By the time we actually put everything back together and the skies are clear, it could be as late as October 3rd!
And, have you ever noticed that when cities and communities do have their fireworks extravaganzas on display, they launch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of fireworks into the air for all of us to admire? But… then there is always some guy off on a hill to the side of the show who tries to steal everyone’s attention by lighting off a couple of bottle rockets. You know… this guy would actually get more attention if he beat a pan with a wooden spoon while singing through a kazoo. In fact, if he just sat on his hill popping his index finger in the side of his cheek, he’d display more thoughtful talent than his bottle rockets.
And finally, as my producer Ethan puts it, I love how we all sit together during the Independence Day celebration, bonding together in united community and national pride, with freedom and justice for all… only to find ourselves screaming, honking and fighting with each other while trying to exit the crowded parking lot five minutes later!
We wrap up our Fourth of July show with Denny Brownlee’s “Know It All Guy”…
Now, setting off fireworks is always a big part of celebrating the Fourth of July. Nothing says “Independence” like celebrating our freedom to blow stuff up! But, how did this whole thing get started?
Well, your primitive forms of fireworks have been traced all the way back to the Flinstones Era. How do you think Bamm-Bamm got his name, anyway? Bamm-Bamm was quite the trendsetter: he sported the planet’s first mullet, he had the first pet rock, and he also used to carry a Culture Club… until Pebbles asked him, “Do you really want to hurt me?”
Now, one day, Bamm-Bamm got together in Barney’s garage and formed the first rock group. They weren’t musicians… they just formed groups of granite, limestone and marble. So anyway, he was out there hanging out with his Stone Age buddies, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, when Jim said to Bamm-Bamm, “Come on… light my fire.” After lighting up, that’s when Jimi said, “Hey man… let me stand next to your fire.”
And rock history was made!
So, fast forward to the American Revolution where we can trace our various recreational explosives (or firecrackology) back to that bombastic prankster – Paul Revere! As a practical joke, Paul would fill his minutemen’s muskets with popcorn kernels, so that when they were training, instead of firing shot at their targets, out popped Orville Redenbacher!
Surprisingly, this prank turned out to be quite useful, as it was soon discovered that British Colonel “Pop”-Cornwallis had a real weak spot for the sweet caramel variety of popcorn, and once it got stuck in his big ol’ British teeth, that was pretty much all she wrote!
But when it came to big fireworks, nothing was as more prevalent as the 1777 Battle of Daytona Beach. It was a brutal winter, with temperatures often plummeting into the upper 50’s! And, while the Colonial forces had already secured the Fountain of Youth, they still needed to stay warm. So, they built a fire right there on the beach. Unfortunately, along with a few palm branches, they also accidently threw in a few sticks of dynamite. So, right there in the middle of eating S’mores and singing Kumbaya, the whole beach went “Kaboom-Baya!” So, they all were frightened, jumped on their horses and raced all the way to Talladega… and that is how NASCAR was born, with the running of the first Firecracker 400 from Daytona!