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This week’s show comes from the stage of the Carnival Dream’s Burgundy Lounge!
My good friend, comedian Tim Hawkins was a terrible apartment maintenance worker. So terrible that he got fired for not being able to properly rake leaves from the apartment complex’s sand volleyball court or turn rocks over so that they didn’t appear overly weathered… oh, those extremely complicated tasks! But, in an odd twist of fate, the woman who fired him back then now works as Tim’s administrative assistant!
Switching gears, I need to get something off my chest… something I call “Grand-Archy!” When I grew up, there were rules. But now that my parents are no longer just parents, but GRANDPARENTS, there are no rules.
My kids’ grandma has Red Bull on tap. Is that even legal?
And my mother tells my kids undermining stories…
“You know, when your father was little, he wet the bed til he was seventeen-years-old. Kinda hard to respect a man who did that, isn’t it?
It’s Grand-Archy, I tell you!
Then, when we get them back, the kids are angry and surly. It takes three whole weeks before we can get them to settle down.
So, I figured I had to do something about it.
I’m not proud of what I did.
The next time that I took the kids to the grandparent’s house, I got them up early. 4:30 in the morning early. I fed the kids a slab of Marshmallow Peeps, with sides of Pop Rocks and Cocoa Puffs… laced with espresso. We then watched six hours of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After that, the boys were breaking boards with each other’s heads.
Then came storytime. I told them:
“You know, when I was little, I spread peanut butter all over Grandma’s couch and all over Grandpa’s tools. You know what they did? THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED! AND THEN THEY GAVE ME MONEY!! LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY!!!”
The sugar kicked in on the way over to my parent’s house… they were going insane. They were screaming. There was blood on the car windows.
Everything was going just as planned.
I pulled up to the house, rang the doorbell.
No one was home.
Because God protects grandparents.
Next up, Bob Smiley calls into the show to talk about movie watching etiquette.
It’s rude to not push PAUSE on the movie when someone gets up to go the restroom, right? It’s just common sense. But, man was the owner of the movie theater a jerk when Bob brought up this point to him!
I can see how Bob could be upset, especially after paying that kind of money just for popcorn! His youngest can’t go to college now, because Bob needed his freshly buttered vat of popcorn.
Speaking of his kids, it was so cool to watch his kids and mine hang out together while we were on the 2015 Clean Comedy Cruise together.
But, as much fun as we all had together, poor, fair-skinned, redheaded Bob now looks like a walking blood-blister.
And Bob didn’t even go outside! His burn was just from the lights overhead on the Lido Deck! The poor guy even tried to prepare his sensitive skin for the cruise. A caring friend of his gave him some tanning bed coupons. Now, Bob had been told that he was supposed to wear a Speedo when tanning. What they didn’t tell him was that he could change into the Speedo in a private dressing room, instead of driving over in one and waiting in the lobby while wearing the barely-there-swimwear.
Bob got more laughs in that lobby than he did on the cruise ship!
And, speaking of the cruise, our kids, along with David Pendleton’s, John Branyon’s and the amazing Kristen Weber took over the stage at one point and came up with this hilarious tweet song:
And finally, my buddy Tim Hawkins joins the show from the Carnival Dream along with his wife, Heather. The two have an amazing marriage: not only do they love each other, but they actually LIKE each other, and make each other laugh all the time.
Heather has learned that one secret to a healthy family is time management. When they can schedule out their days, they find that they have more room for having fun, compared to when they just fly by the seat of their pants and end up wasting much of their days.
Another key, especially for entertainers, is for both the husband and wife to remember that before anything else, they are spouses, parents, friends, and children of their own parents… even before they are comedians. Therefore, being on the road for more than four days at a time just doesn’t work. Which is largely why they came on the cruise together.
This being Tim’s first cruise, his initial impression was that he had just boarded a giant Golden Corral inside of a pinball machine. But, after just one day, Tim and his family fell in love with cruise-life!