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When I was a boy, I loved back-to-school season. I mean, I liked the learning aspect of it, but what I loved was GIRLS! And there were girls at school!! And, by law, the girls HAD to go to school; and I could go to school and be around them. So, I really felt like September was simply a blessing from God in some way.
But I was never really able to ever talk to girls. At least, not in any sort of manner that conveyed my deep sense of admiration and love. In fact, most of the time, whenever I was anywhere near a girl, I lost all ability to communicate altogether.
Now, I know that a lot of ladies listen to our show, so I wanted to clear up some things for them.
Let’s say a perfectly healthy looking young man approaches a young lady and says something like:
“Aieehhouw?”
The young lady may be tempted to think, “Wow! I should run!”
However, that may not be the case. Sometimes a simple “Aieehhouw” actually means “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I call this Crush Speak. It’s a language I was very fluent in in my younger years. It stems from being overwhelmed by a girl’s beauty.
Now, of course, ladies don’t expect this because very few girls are overwhelmed by their own beauty. They’ve had their whole life to get used to the way that they look. But not this guy. His whole being is spinning out of control and all he could muster is, “Aieehhouw?”
So, let me translate some common Crush Speak utterances girls might hear as they return to school:
Hhhaaoow: I love you. I might love you forever.
Pbpbflerbt: It feels really hot in here right now.
Mmnweee: I might throw up in front of you. I sincerely apologize.
OO!: That scent you are wearing is very nice.
Aiengmfh: Might we go out together some evening when you are free?
Smeemeeyung: I’ve just purchased some donuts.
So, young ladies, if you run into this sort of thing this fall, remember: If a young man approaches you and says something that appears to be hard to understand, don’t be weirded out. Maybe, instead, just smile and say “Ah, you’re sweet. Thank you.” Odds are he will just say, “You’re welcome” and walk away.
Or, you could just go with your instinct and run.
Next, comedian Jeff Woodroof joins the show for his first time. Now, Jeff recently celebrated a birthday, and as he looks in the mirror and sees a man who has been married to his wife for 25 years, he sees a man who is simply falling apart while his wife is getting better and better over the years.
He has hair leaving where it should be and showing up in places where it shouldn’t. His six-pack has turned into an whole beverage truck.
Yet, his bride is still as beautiful as ever!
People now look at the two of them and think, “Wow! Somebody really married up, didn’t they?
But, Jeff stops short of calling himself fat. It’s not politically correct to use that word anymore – even when describing yourself. Instead, he uses the politically correct term, “obese”. Now, as a fat person, Jeff is offended by this word. Yet people use it around him all the time, regardless of how he feels about it. In fact, recently, while walking hand-in-hand with his wife at Wal-Mart, somebody exclaimed: “Look! There goes Beauty and Obese!”
It’s a tale as old as time.
Now, marriage is an institution. And, love is blind. Therefore, by applying simple math, marriage is an institution for the blind.
And, one of the things most newlyweds are blind to is the mother-in-law. In fact, the only difference between in-laws and outlaws is that outlaws are wanted.
Jeff should have picked up on the small signs early. Like when the preacher asked him if he would take his wife for better or for worse… and pointed at his mother-in-law.
But it’s not like he hasn’t tried and tried over the years to get along with her. He has tried therapy, counseling… arsenic. EVERYTHING!
The guy really tries! He even does special things for her. For instance, once, he tried fixing the brakes on her car. He’s not a mechanic, but how could he know that she was going to let her neighbor use the car?!
He even saved, and saved, and saved and sent her on a vacation. It was a one-way ticket, but still… he made an effort!
The bottom line is that they have a “Love / Hate” relationship – they love being apart and hate being together.
What makes matters worse is that she moved from across town to eight houses down from Jeff’s house. The distance between them changed from twenty minutes to twenty seconds. And that’s not enough time for him to get down to his safe room.
Finally, my friend Anthony Griffith calls into the show to talk about a recent mishap he endured. Anthony broke his leg. Now, if you break your leg in your 20’s, you can turn it into something cool – like if you broke it mountain climbing, skiing, or surfing. But once you hit 50 and you break your leg, it doesn’t sound as glamorous.
“I broke it while walking from my bedroom to my bathroom… in the dark… WITHOUT A NIGHTLIGHT! (call me a rebel!)”
But, Anthony has found sympathetic ears from Baby Boomers
“I know what you mean, I tore my meniscus retrieving my newspaper from the driveway.”
“I tore my rotator cuff… yawning.”
Just living has introduced a whole new series of methods to injure oneself!
When he learned that he had fractured his patella (broke his kneecap), friends asked if he had gotten a second opinion. In a sense, the answer was YES. The first opinion was the incredible pain that he felt and the second came from the medical staff who cringed at the sight of his knee!
Now, after his surgery, the hospital staff taught him some of the basics like how to sit down with his new leg cast, how to get up, even how to get out of bed. But they never taught him how to go to the bathroom with a three-foot-long, twenty-pound cast wrapped around his leg.
Therefore, there are things that Anthony has had to teach himself that would make seasoned yoga masters proud!
But, luckily, he isn’t feeling any pain. He’s riding high on the medications that he was prescribed. In fact, you could shoot Anthony in the arm and he will feel nothing! But no amount of pain meds can help him run to the bathroom these days. He has his crutches, which Anthony has learned are “chick-magnets”. When women see a guy with crutches, they instinctively want to help. Therefore, after his leg heals, he plans on renting his crutches to single men he knows so that they may be used for good!
But, what Anthony has the hardest time understanding are people who intentionally put themselves at risk by running with the bulls of Pamplona. A friend told him that the experience of waiting for the officials to release the bulls and then running for your life is incredibly fun. But, Anthony grew up in the inner-city and had to run for his life multiple times… and it was never fun!