“I was basically like a sex slave and a mistress for him.”
After being exposed to pornography at a young age, Lorraine found herself wanting to live a life of worldly pleasure. For years she tried to find her fulfillment in sex and in men. Desperate for real love, Lorraine quit college in order to have an affair with a man in Sweden for several months. When that relationship painfully ended, Lorraine was left at her breaking point, searching for a way out.
This is her story:
“I remember distinctly when I was probably about ten-years-old, deciding that religion is very nonsensical. And since then, I really wanted to live my life the way I wanted to. And so, I did.
I don’t know why or how, but I was exposed to pornography at a every young age. Probably when I was 11 or 12, I think. And I don’t know why, but I was somehow really sexually aware as a young child. And I guess, looking back now, I was just a child who really wanted to be loved and I wanted to feel fulfilled.
I lost my virginity to a random guy I met one night. I remember walking from that house, feeling that I finally got my virginity out-of-the-way, and now I could move on with my life. And I kept pursuing guys, hoping to redeem that first time.
The lowest point of my life was just going through university. It was a very postmodern kind of curriculum, so I didn’t have a sense of right or wrong. I did some pretty extreme things like I advertised myself online to meet up with guys and do stuff with them as an art project. I would take photos of myself objectifying my body in pretty perverse and shocking ways because I saw no problem with that.
It got to the point where I ended up meeting a guy in a hotel room in Sweden.
I ended up lying to my parents after I decided to take a break from university and just escape to live with him in Sweden.
At this time, I was emotionally dependant as well as sexually dependant, I guess. I would blow my lost 200 pounds on credits on makeup, because I just wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be loved and adored by someone.
I was pretty much sexually abused throughout that time. And I didn’t really realize it was sexual abuse, but I depend on him for money and for food. And I kept telling myself I could always just buy a ticket and fly out if it gets too much.
But I was basically like a sex slave and a mistress for him. I think almost spiritually, I was kind of enslaved to him.
Finally, because he couldn’t keep financially supporting his sexual addiction and he couldn’t keep giving me money, I moved back to England after six months. Eventually, the relationship broke off.
I went on holiday to see my aunt in Malaysia, and all the consequences of my choices caught up with me at that time. It really occurred to me that the things I was doing was causing me pain. I remember being to the point where my aunt was telling me about the wisdom in modesty. She was all, “Just keep yourself pure for marriage.”
And, I remember breaking down and telling her, “It’s way too late for me!”
And, in the midst of that, I remember believing that God cannot accept me at this point. The things I had done were way too bad to be forgiven and accepted by God.
She told me in that instant that He loved me. God still loved me. Somehow, that truth just pierced my heart.
I remember coming back home that night and just speaking to God for the first time. I didn’t understand how, but I just had this belief and assurance that the depression that I used to go through would not be the same. And, the guy that I was scared of would never hurt me.
I’m changed now. I’m different now. He just really gave me this new life.
Since then, God’s really shown me how the Gospel can tackle so much more than that. I have a Savior who was also stripped and shamed and abused. He totally understands what that’s like.
And, the fact that He bore that for me changes everything. It’s how I can come to Him and worship Him. The fact that I can stand before God and be pure and clean after feeling so dirty from the things I did, just feeling like trash, but He was able to give me a purity of heart again, and a purity of mind, too. He touched me, physically and made my body clean.
The fact that He can redeem my story is amazing. I’m Lorraine and I’m the daughter of an amazing heavenly Father… and I am fiercely loved!”
The Austin Stone Story Team is a community of artists who tell stories of gospel transformation. We are photographers, writers, editors, filmmakers, and musicians on a common mission to use our gifts for His glory.
(By The Austin Stone Story Team. Discovered by e2 media network and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not e2 media network, and audio is streamed directly from their servers.)