Have you ever had a time when you felt like you were in a spiritual black hole? I have. The pressure seemed unbearable. No sense of God‘s presence. No sense of anything going on around me.
These are the times, sorry to say, when I tend to question God’s love for us. But then He demonstrates to me that He was there all the time. I call these times “faith experiences.”
I have come to believe the black holes are needful in order to know that we have the shield that can withstand the incredible heat that comes when we follow Him with a whole heart – a heart that is radical in a commitment to fully follow His ways. He strengthens us and hardens us to difficulties and to know He is truly a God of the supernatural.
So, at present I am finding myself in a hole when it comes to my life of faith. I am going to disclose some of my conversation with Jesus with you. I looked back to a time when I could “feel” God in a really big way. In comparison the conversation I recently had with Him is quite different.
Jesus speaking:
“My child, I have you in the palm of my hand. I open the windows of heaven to you in my wisdom and timing. Your steadfastness will be richly rewarded. I have it all worked out already. Your faith has made you whole. I am calling you into a big place—a far place—a lovely place—a perfect place for what I have called you to do. You’ve been tried by fire, but as the impurities have burned away you are left my pure princess, called to a higher calling than before, called unto Me, your Lord, Your Friend, and the Lover of your soul. I love you with an everlasting love. I love you as a Father protects His baby. All that you have lost and missed in your life I will give you Myself in return. You need not fear. I will not leave you but will give you so much more than you can even think of right now.”
This is the kind of conversation I am used to having with Jesus. He is always speaking if we are listening. I had been asking Him many questions about our current state of affairs back then and this was His answer to me.
Fast forward to today. We are in another trial of huge proportions. I have been drawn into a type of wilderness. It is odd. Because my outreach through my book, “Climbing Out of the Box” and my Coaching is growing and I know He is doing huge things that I can’t even see yet.
But our business has been taking a beating with all the cutbacks in California. It has been, at the time of this writing, a good month with no work, no income. However, we have not missed a payment on a bill. Every week it is amazing to see how we are provided for. I am waiting to see manna on my front lawn one of these mornings. We are learning a supernatural way to live in trusting Jesus for our daily provision. Every week we watch Him meet our needs in spectacular ways and through various means. He is our source of sustenance.
However, the hardship of not knowing what is going to happen, or if we need to just wait for deliverance or if we should start doing– “what?” Problem is there isn’t a clue as to what the “what” would be. And for my husband it is so hard to not to be working and to have no answers.
This time when I talk to the Lord about this trial this is what I get:
“Okay, Lord, where are you?”
Image: Donnell Duncan
“I’m here my child.”
“But you are not saying anything. At least I’m not hearing it if you are.”
“I’m here my child.”
“The fire has been hot, Lord.”
“Are you burned?”
“Well, no. But I tend to get scared. This trial has been too long and I am so weary.”
“My strength in you is sufficient, Dixie.”
“This has been so long now. I fight fear daily. I have no direction. We have tried every door and they are locked from the inside. Can’t you see me? “
“I see you quite clearly… My ways are not your ways.”
“But what will happen tomorrow if I still have no direction?”
“Is today taken care of?”
“Well, yes. But Lord, (insert whine) nothing is happening. I can’t see a thing and I have no idea where this is heading.”
Silence
“I know I am doubting you.”
“Yes.”
“Wow, never thought my faith would be tried to this degree. I always pretty much had answers. You said you’d never leave me or forsake me.”
“I haven’t.”
“I feel as if in a moment my life as I know it could be over. I am standing on a cliff ready to jump off into the unknown.”
“Jump.”
“Will you catch me?”
“Yes.”
“How do I know for sure?”
“Seriously?“
“Oh yeah, the things that I hope for, but the evidence of things not seen, and a grain of mustard seed, pretty tiny. Is that enough to get you to move?”
“Yes, but in my time.”
“Why not in my time? When I don’t think I can go on, you will still make me wait? Makes me angry if you want me to be honest!”
“It’s okay. I can handle your anger. My plans are different than what you can see.”
“Sigh… I do love you Jesus.”
“And I love you more.”
“When I absorb that, I realize that kind of love from you is really all I need. You are more than enough.”
“Be still, Dixie, and know that I am your God.”
No amount of cajoling would get Him to say more, give me more information, or disclose what this trial is really about. My humanness just wants it to be over and to get back to our normal lives. He is working out far more important and eternal things in both mine and my husband’s life.
Sometimes He is just silent my friend, but not in such a way that we don’t know that He isn’t there. He is always there…sometimes he leads us into the wilderness so that our trust is in Him alone. When all else is gone, there HE is!!!
I might add that when you look back to what he originally said to me in 2007 he already answered the questions I am asking Him now. We are so human, and we need to be reminded that He still means it when the going gets rough. He doesn’t change. He is always the same.
He is always speaking but sometimes it is in the silence. But when we are ready to come up out of the wilderness He has lead us into, He will be still be speaking tenderly to us!!
“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her. 15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor (troubling) a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt. (Hosea 2:14-15)
“ My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! (2 Corinthians 12:9)
