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This week, I’m joined again by my father-in-law, Pastor Bob Erickson. And, just like so many of our podcasts, we start out talking about football – specifically instant replay.
In the NFL, while a game is progressing at a breakneck pace, something inevitably happens that brings the entire sporting event to a screeching halt. An out-of-the-ordinary call or play or interference causes everyone involved – the players, coaches, officials and spectators – to stop, analyze the situation from a variety of different angles and determine what the correct call should be.
Bob uses a similar example in establishing healthy communication.
But, since we all don’t have 22 video cameras following us around, Bob uses the example of a Kleenex box to gain proper perspective.
Often times, couples have come to Bob at eachother’s wits end, completely at odds with one another. When explaining what had caused the divide between them, the wife would describe her understanding of what had occurred and the husband would explain what he felt had happened. Not surprisingly – the two stories explained the same event, but had very little in common.
That’s when it dawned on Bob – if you carefully look at a Kleenex box from one perspective, you see the oval opening with tissue sticking out. But from the opposite side of the same Kleenex box, all you see is a flat side with writing and a barcode.
And, in fact, there are at least four more distinct perspectives when examining this same box of tissue
So, whose description of the box is right?
If all we are concerned about is how we see a particular situation (or side of a box) without being willing to recognize that there may be other correct perspectives as well, then we are doomed to live a life full of arguments.
Too often, distrust has been developed within a marriage instead of trust. In order for understanding and value of eachother’s perspectives to occur, each person needs to be able to trust that the other is describing their perspective honestly.
So, a foundation of trust needs to be established. Going back to the beginning of their relationship, Bob often asks, “Do you believe in your spouse? Do you believe that God has brought this person into your life to complete you?”
If there is a basic element of distrust, then there will always be argumentation.
However, once trust is established (or re-established), the next step is to learn to listen for understanding.
Instead of merely trying to defend your perspective, you need to learn to hear and understand your spouse’s perspective as well.
Now, you may not always agree with one another’s conclusions, but through healthy communication we can’t deny what one another is thinking or feeling.
Different than merely “being heard”, we all have the core characteristic that we want to be understood.
Relationship isn’t about being heard, or being right. It’s about God using others within our lives to shape and mold us into Christ-likeness. This can only happen by surrounding ourselves with people who we trust, who trust us, and who work to understand one another.