These Aren’t the Kids You’re Looking For
Welcome to Parent Like You Mean It, the podcast where we talk about playing this parenting game with purpose and intentionality, so that – hopefully – we can be more prepared for the parenting pitfalls that prey on us and our children… with not only preparation, but obviously… alliteration!
Now, if you’re a guy in America anywhere near my age, you grew up loving – or at the very least appreciating – no, not baseball, football, or basketball… I’m talking the single major influence of kids in the 70s and 80s… Star Wars! Now over the decades, the “holy trinity” of scifi has taken its lumps from audiences and critics alike, but going back to when I was a kid, there were few things cooler than hearing John Williams’ orchestration while reading George Lucas’ yellow text scrolling off into the stars.
So, there ya have it… I was an action figure playing, trading card collecting geek as a kid; and at my core, I still am today.
But, what does this have to do with raising kids today?
Well, let me take you back to the first time that we were properly introduced to “The Force”.
Luke and Obi-Wan were driving into town when they get stopped at a checkpoint where Stormtroopers are looking for a pair of droids… the very robots that are right there in Luke’s back seat! That’s when we see this exchange:
Stormtrooper: Let me see your identifications.
Kenobi (subtly waving his hand toward the Stormtrooper): You don’t need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don’t need to see his identification.
Kenobi: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.
Kenobi: He can go about his business.
Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.
Kenobi: Move along.
Stormtrooper (waving Luke through the checkpoint): Move along. Move along.
As a kid, I remember my mind being blown by this type of mind control. Whatever this thing called “The Force” was that Old Ben Kenobi had mastered, it had to be the coolest thing in the universe!
As a kid, I dreamt up opportunities using The Force to get my way with the teachers: You don’t need to assign any homework today! Or my coaches: Jefferson should start every game despite the fact that he can’t hit a curveball!
Just imagine the possibilities!
Now, flashforward with me 38 years and several sequels later to the movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”. In the middle of the movie, I – now a full-fledged grown up geek with little Star Wars nerds of my own – witnessed not the wise Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, but a complete neophyte to The Force… someone who had hardly even heard the words “The Force” used together in a sentence… we saw Rey, who was being held captive say to a Stormtrooper:
“You will remove these restraints and leave this cell with the door open.. And you’ll drop your weapon.”
… and he did!!
Suddenly, the powerful, mind control power of the Force was little more than a cool parlor trick that nearly anyone can pull off.
But again, I ask (and you are probably, as well): What does any of this have to do with raising kids today?
Well, fasten your seatbelts and prepare for light speed, because here we go:
Too many parents today think that they can simply use The Force on their kids in order to instill a proper moral compass in them. They think that by waving a magic hand and saying the magic words, “You will make wise choices and put others’ needs before your own” that suddenly their kids’ minds will be transformed and we’d hear kids all over the world repeating their parents’ worldviews.
Now, I’m not addressing the parents who may slip into the bad habits of “do as I say, not as I do” parenting trap. I’m referring to the well-intentioned, model citizen parents who honestly believe that if they simply model a proper moral compass and speak into their kids’ lives age-old wisdom, this new generation will live lives full of mercy, justice and humility.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not endorsing anything that goes against this type of parenting. Shoot, if more parents modeled goodness and kindness every day to their kids, there’s no denying that this world would be a better place… or at the very least, the guy who cut me off in the parking lot the other night would have gone around, and maybe I wouldn’t have lost my temper in front of my minivan full of mini-me’s… but that’s for another episode.
Anyway, here’s my point…
The very, very, VERY hard truth is that we can’t “force” our worldview and moral compass into the hearts and minds of our kids. We can influence them. We can instruct them. We can model for them. We can discipline them. We can, and definitely should, do all of this.
But, the decision to do the right thing is completely up to them. They are in control of their own integrity. They are the masters of their own purity. They hold the steering wheel of their lives and their cars.
Now, when they succeed, we should acknowledge them. When they fail, we should encourage them. When they are defiant, we should discipline and guide them. And when they are repentant, we must forgive them and always walk alongside them.
But, meanwhile, the best thing we can do is to keep doing our best. Don’t put all the blame on yourself for their bad behavior, and hold them responsible for their own actions while always taking responsibility of your own in loving, raising and caring for them. Be open to the possibility that the weight just may be too heavy for your own shoulders and it may be time to bring in a relief pitcher (forgive me for mixing my metaphors), or a mentor for them – someone who you trust and your kid trusts who can guide them toward wisdom in your stead.
And, if none of that works… you keep on working, keep on trying, keep on loving… no matter how difficult life or your kids or life with your kids may become
And most of all, and most importantly, keep praying for them. I hate to break it to you, but your and my best efforts are straight up terrible compared to the work that God can do in our kids’ lives, hearts and minds.
Forgive me for getting preachy here, but this is the bottom line:
If you don’t have kids yet, start praying for them now. If your home is teeming with ankle biters, start praying for them now. If your hallways are filled with the sounds of slamming doors and loud music you don’t understand, start praying for them now. And yes, if your kids have moved out and even may have families of their own… start praying for them now.
The hard, yet simple truth in all of this is that God is yearning to hear from us parents. It says so all throughout the Bible and history. And moreso, He’s yearning to answer our prayers, whether it be through His word (which means, yeah, you gotta dust off your Bible), through His people (which means, yeah, you gotta get your family to church and talk with trusted people about what’s going on), and even – dare I say it – personally.
There’s a Proverb that many parents know and not enough of us really take into hard consideration:
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
In other words, even when – ESPECIALLY WHEN – life gets to the point where you just can’t understand what’s going on, trust God and not your own understanding or lack thereof. Earnestly seek out what His desire is for your life and your kids’ lives, and He will work things out. It will probably take a lot longer than you’d prefer. And “rock bottom” may be redefined throughout the process, but you will be better for it. Your kids will see the evidence of it in your life and in their own. And, God willing – and yes, it is God’s desire – you and your kids will stand firmly and uncompromisingly on solid ground.
I admit, pulling an Obi-Wan Kenobi would be a whole lot easier, and probably more fun. But parenting today’s kids has very little to do with a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
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