Parent Like You Mean It: STOP IT!!!
So, I was scrolling through my news feed the other day and what I actually saw was not really news, but rather, an endless stream of fear and paranoia. I don’t even know why it’s called a “news” stream anymore. There’s absolutely nothing new there anymore. It’s the same stories we’ve been hearing for years now: If we don’t do this, that and the other, and make every other person do this, that and the other, our kids will die!… or grandma will die! …or democracy will die!
All I can say is… well all that comes to mind… is a quote from one of the greatest American orators of our time.
Growing up, my dad referred to him as simply Bob. Bob was wise. He was succinct. He was hilarious. His timing was dry, but it was always on point. My kids know him as “Papa Elf”, but Bob… or perhaps you remember him as Dick – who as it turned out was actually Bob all along, but we’ll save TV’s great series finales for a different episode… Bob’s life lessons and human insights remain as revelatory as ever.
I think one of Bob’s greatest moments was when he was counseling a poor woman suffering from what she described as a debilitating fear that restricted her every movement and every thought, every single day… not altogether different than all the fear, panic and paranoia expressed across my “news” feed.
The moment played out like this: Bob’s patient, Katherine, walked in, took her seat across his desk and went on to describe her crippling trepidation:
“I have this fear of being buried alive in a box. I just start thinking about being buried alive and I begin to panic.
“Has anyone ever tried to bury you alive in a box?”
“No. No, but truly… thinking about it does make my life horrible. I can’t go through tunnels or be in an elevator or in a house… anything boxy.”
As a therapist – a professional with decades of experience that I have observed time and time again since the days of my youth, the sage simply replied with the most perfect advice he could possibly offer her…
STOP IT!
“I can’t. It’s been with me since childhood.”
- NO. Just stop it.
“I’m also bulimic”
Stop it!
“I have self-destructive relationships with men.”
STOP IT! Don’t be such a big baby.
“I wash my hands a lot.”
Well, that’s ok. Don’t worry about that one. Washing your hands is actually a good thing.
You see. While Bob Newhart’s therapist is obviously overly simplistic and meant to get a laugh, it’s only funny because too many people behave like Katherine. They foster unfounded and unreasonable fears, such as being buried alive in a box, and they let those fears dictate every aspect of their lives… regardless of the fact that these fears are not grounded in reality whatsoever. Then, they obsess over these fears non-stop, grasping onto one false conclusion after another, all based on an illogical and easily overcomeable premise.
Are you freaked out over COVID? Stop it.
Are you afraid that every police officer in the land is on the prowl like a roaring lion seeking minorities to devour? STOP IT.
Are you worried that conservatives will raid the Capitol building and tear down our democracy? Stop it.
Are you filled with fear that the trucker convoy in Canada will make a difference and compel North American leaders to re-think their totalitarian mandates? Well… that may be ok. Don’t worry about that one.
But seriously, freak out about things that are really worthy of your freak with real-world consequences, not make believe consequences such as the slight possibilities that a likely contrived people group might become slightly offended by the mere words – not actions, but mere words – of a comedian on a podcast.
I’m not saying that we should shove our heads in the sand and ignore the world around us. Nor am I saying that we should surround ourselves and our families with comfortable like-minded bubbles.
I’m suggesting that we, as parents, set an example for our kids by looking at the word around us, examining the stories that are being told by the news, commentators and around the water cooler, and then critically thinking about the facts and data to determine which stories are really mountains and which are merely molehills.
And then – just like in Newhart’s skit, if the scary story that’s being repeated is as sensical as being afraid of being buried alive in a box, despite that there are absolutely no facts supporting that fear… STOP IT!
Now… as I was preparing this episode, Russia just attacked Ukraine. So, once again, I loaded up my news feed.
And there, I came across several “parenting experts” who repeatedly instructed parents outside the war zone – especially those of us here in the U.S. – to keep kids calm by extremely limiting our kids’ exposure to the war, news coverage of the attacks and political discussion between you and your spouse. The logic being that if you and your spouse speak poorly of our leaders’ reactions to the war, then our kids will go to school and parrot their parents and this will cause division at school and anywhere else they go. The guidance went on to shield your kids – especially younger kids, say… under ten-years-old – and assure them that they are safe, that their family is safe, and don’t “overshare”.
To these “experts”, I wish I could say “STOP IT”.
But, the hard truth is that all kids are different – even within the same family. My youngest, with four older brothers, can handle discussions of war, politics, the economy and catastrophe much better than our oldest son could at that age. So, MY advice is that you should set a healthy example, use these tragic current events as a launching pad to teach your kids about the good, bad and ugly of the world around us, and begin training them, even at a young age, to grow in strength, character and compassion and knowing what is right and what is wrong. As we do this, they will not only be able to handle tough times that lie ahead of them even better than we can, but they will be respected by their peers for their wisdom and maturity.
As Frederick Douglass – a man born a slave and was never a stranger to tough times throughout his life – said, “It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
In other words: Obey Bob Newhart. Stop being frightened and instilling fear in our kids, especially over matters that don’t line up with actual facts and data. Build them up to be strong young men and women, starting from day one, as Frederick Douglass recommended. All the while, keep in mind the other bit of advice that Bob offered… it’s really okay to wash your hands. In fact, you should do that regularly.
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