How To Raise “Good Gamers”
There are a lot of controllers in our lives. Ideally, our convictions, our commitments, our utmost priorities… ideally these are the primary controlling factors in our lives.
But, right now, I’m talking about actual controllers.
Controllers like my son’s X-Box One controller. It may look familiar to some of you. To me, it’s simply mind-boggling with an overabundance of buttons, pads, and joysticks. Ok, so, there’s only one pad, but there are literally four triggers, four buttons, two joysticks and then the multi directional pad. When is enough enough??
I gotta admit… when I try to play even the simplest of games with my kids using these controllers, I look a lot more like Jim Halpert than I do Juju Smith Schuster.
Now, the NES controller is more my speed. This is the controller I used to save Princess Peach, to knock out Mike Tyson… and – while it broke my heart to assume the role of the Raiders – nothing could stop me, with this controller, when I had Bo Jackson running the ball.
BUT, my all time, absolute favorite, go to, never fail controller came with the Atari 2600. This is my jam. This is where it all started. From Pac-Man to Pitfall, Space Invaders, Asteroids, Q-Bert, DigDug, Pole Position… the list goes on and on, and I mastered them all with this single joystick, single button controller.
I mean, if I could defeat Donkey Kong with just a single joystick, who needs all the buttons, levers and triggers on the Nintendo Switch?
Apparently my kids do.
You see, today’s game makers may throw a bone to us old guys with some retro controllers here or there, or some clunky 8-bit games we can download just so we old guys can say that we have played on an Xbox or Playstation, but to really game, these handheld buttonfests are necessary.
There’s not even a good modification out there that allows me to use an old-school controller and play alongside my kids.
And, before I go on… yes, within reason, I do allow my kids to play video games.
I’ll lay it all out on the table now: my 11-year-olds play Fortnite, Apex Legends, PubG, and Zelda. My youngest plays Fortnite in private, creative mode and Minecraft, and my oldest plays Red Dead Redemption, Call of Duty, and Rainbow Six Siege… and to my surprise, he and his buddies also clown around with Minecraft still.
We do draw particular lines when it comes to some games, for instance, there’s no GTA, and since we don’t have a Playstation, we don’t have any of the Playstation only games.
Now, you can debate with me on whether or not it’s “good parenting” to allow video games in my home… but you can’t argue whether or not they are unavoidable in our culture these days. The truth is, whether we want to admit it or not, video games have been unavoidable since WE were kids… and by “we”, I mean anyone under the age of 55… yes, even you guys who are older than me were addicted to pong at some point. (But… we’ll save addiction for another episode.)
Nor am I here to discuss the history of video games.
I’m here to talk about their impact.
Now, it’s been argued that today’s games and entertainment desensitize our youth, and inspire them to do all kinds of dastardly deeds. It’s the same argument that was used in the 80’s when behavioral experts warned that watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would drive young boys to be more violent than any generation before them. Now, how they could logically determine this without precedent, was beyond my understanding back then. I mean, at least two generations prior had grown up watching Bugs Bunny, Daffy, Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote and there was never a run on anvils or pianos being dropped on schoolkids across the land.
Now, I get it… today’s games are more realistic than anything we’ve had in our homes before. Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig’s rifles don’t hold a candle to what we see in the Tom Clancy games or Red Dead Redemption. And Babs Bunny is literally child’s play compared to the curvy characters in Fortnite.
But… and as Pee Wee said, “Everyone I know has a big but…”
BUT, while video games – and even movies, TV, YouTube, and yes… even books – have the ability to desensitize our kids, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO COME TO THAT.
And, before I go any further, this episode right here is not a gun control discussion. I am solely speaking in regards to how we can raise kids that play video games – because video games are, for the most part, inevitable in today’s American culture – that we can raise kids that play video games – even first-person shooter games – that we can raise kids that play video games, and yet never come close to becoming real life shooters.
And don’t give me any of your “oh, not my kids!” nonsense. There’s not a single parent of any mass shooter that at one point looked at their seven-year-old and said, “Honey, I think our boy may have a disturbing future in front of him. Look how he’s butchering those Minecraft pigs!” Understanding that “it could happen to any of us” is the first step to effective intentional parenting.
So, since it could happen to you or me… what are we supposed to do to prevent it?
Manage Screen Time
Step one: well, this seems simple, but it’s actually much more difficult than you’d expect – manage your kids’ screen time. For some, this means that video games are only allowed on weekends, or not until all homework is finished. Or not until the kid does 25 burpees… whatever you come up with, you need to have some boundaries within which your kids can play.
And, whatever they are, your boundaries are bound to upset your kids at some point. And that’s just tough… for them, not you! That’s one of the not-fun, tough-love, stick to your guns moments of parenting. They need to know that you mean what you say and it’s not a debate or negotiation.
And, believe it or not, that’s actually one of the easy parts of parenting “video gaming” kids.
Politely Insert Yourself Into Their World
If managing your kids’ screen time is easy, the tough part is what I call “politely inserting yourself into their online world”. “Politely inserting”… like… imagine a big, giant bee with his big, giant stinger, politely asking permission, then inserting his ever-buzzing self into your space… whether you grant permission or not!
If you can handle an Xbox controller, play alongside your kids. If not, if you’re an Atari joystick guy like me, then sit with them as they play and watch them. Listen to them play. Listen to the people that they are playing with. How does their vocabulary or tone change from how they talk in real life? And then, discuss their games… frequently. How many W’s did they get? Did they get any kills, or were they just camping the whole time? Did you play singles? Duos? Did your teammate carry you? There are literally dozens of questions you could ask that they just might be interested in discussing with you.
Now, I know, many of you are thinking, “There’s no way my kid will talk to me about any of this… every time I ask him anything, all I get is a series of grunts, or at most a ‘fine’.” But, once again… you have to be steadfast. Continue to politely insert yourself into their lives.
Get Them Outside
Then, as painful as it may be at times, get your kids outside! And, when I say painful, I mean PAINFUL, with a capital PAIN! We’re talking as painful as ripping a 12-inch strip of duct tape off of a guy’s leg type of pain. When your kid wants to play Fortnite, and you tell them, “Go outside and play”, they’re going to whine: “There’s nothing to do out there… all my friends are online… it’s too hot… it’s too cold… one more game… yadda, yadda, yadda.” But, again… you need to stick to your guns. Mean what you say. Say what you mean. And, stick to it.
But, this can turn into something fantastic. Here’s one example:
One of our boys put together a “clan” of Fortnite friends. These were some school friends, some cousins, some friends-of-friends… they all knew each other online, but many of them had never met IRL. And my son put together a meet up. They all brought their Nerf guns, wore matching t-shirts, and spent an afternoon running around the park, laughing, making new friends, and shooting one another in a giant battle royale tournament. In between rounds, they had lunch together, they had a Fortnite dance off, and they made real-life-friendships in real-life-sunshine.
Now, I know that this was a weird, out-of-the-ordinary moment… but it came from an 11-year-old, so we’re not talking rocket science here.
It truly is possible to 1) manage your kids’ screen time; 2) have a conversation with your kids; and 3) get them to go outside and play. You can do it!
Set an Example by Living the Example
Now, finally, here’s the toughest, yet probably most important trick to raising what I’ll call “good gamers”: you need to set an example by living the example.
If you play video games, play them in the same manner that you want your kids to play them: in moderation, after your other responsibilities are taken care of, with appropriate language and with appropriate people, and never neglect other people or aspects of life so that you can get online.
You see… forget about all these controllers. The ultimate controller is on your wrist. You need to understand the VALUE of TIME.
The problem is that too many dads out there have mastered the Xbox controller without mastering their watch or calendar. They can play Black Ops with the best of them, but they can’t manage to set aside enough time for real relationships with the ones that really matter… their kids.
This part all boils down to priorities. Some of you may say, “Oh, I just don’t have the time or energy to do all that.” Or, “After work and everything else going on in my life, I just need a little me-time.” Here’s my response: What if I paid you $1,000 to make it happen? No? What about $5,000? Name the dollar amount. What if I offered to pay you to wedge into your daily routine time to manage your kids’ screen time, politely insert yourself into their world with active conversations, and play with them outside? Odds are, you’d take me up on my offer. Therefore, it’s not a matter of “can’t”, it’s just a matter of making it a high enough priority to get it done.
Guys… your days of getting your initials on the high score screen at the arcade are over. It’s time to play the toughest game out there. It’s called Parenting Like You Mean It!