Giving 110% is Impossible
Like many guys my age, I grew up with sports as a regular part of my daily life: Little League in the spring, soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter. (Mom wouldn’t let me play football… but that’s for another podcast.) At school, every lunch break and recess was filled with one game or another.
All this to say, I have had countless coaches impact my life.
And, in all the “coach speeches” that I’ve heard – including those that I’ve seen on TV and movies – there is one single overused phrase that I have absolutely abhorred my entire life. It’s neither profane nor profound, but it’s been used for generations. Sports commentators use it regularly all over the globe in their pre-game and post-game analysis.
And I hate it.
Here it is: “I want you to give 110% out there!”
The same goes for all those post-game victory speeches where the athlete claims, “We just gave 110% today.”
No you didn’t.
That’s ridiculous.
It is physically impossible to give 110%… you can’t give more than you are capable of giving.
Now, perhaps, you were able to endure 10% further than you had previously estimated that you could… but that doesn’t add up to you giving 110%… that means that you were only maxing out at a possible 90% before.
To quote the wise sage Robert Parr, “Math is math!”
I bring all this up to make this point – there is only one way to tell if you or your kids are giving their all (or 100%) to anything. And, it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about athletics, or grades, or just making sure their laundry ends up in the hamper and not stashed between the wall and their bed. There’s just one way to tell if they are all in, or if you’re only seeing a half-hearted effort.
I’ll explain.
As a coach – and it doesn’t matter what sport we’re talking about – the same goes for club water polo as it does for seven-year-olds in mixed martial arts (or baseball, football, or basketball for you old-schoolers)… we want to motivate athletes to push themselves beyond their comfort levels in order to grow in strength and endurance.
The trick with kids (and adults are no different) is that we are really good at convincing ourselves of anything… including the myth that we are exhausted when we are actually just tired, and a long way off from exhaustion. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count off how many times I’ve seen a kid nearly in tears claiming they were going to die if they took one more step… only to see them gleefully riding their bike off jumps at the end of their cul-de-sac a mere 30 minutes later.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not endorsing the 80’s Pop Warner Football coach approach of “if you’re not puking your not trying”. (maybe that’s one of the reasons Mom didn’t let me play football, but again… different episode). What I am suggesting is that there are three “limits” involved here: What each of us are capable of, what we believe we are capable of, and what our coaches or mentors encourage us to become.
And, as a coach or mentor, there is only one way to accurately assess where that limit is… you have to become a regular part of their lives – carefully taking in, examining, and assessing all of the factors of their life. This includes their social life, their digital life, their family life, their diet, their entertainment habits, and sleeping habits… and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Accomplishing this may be easier than you’d assume. Imagine this scenario:
Coach: Hey, bud. Did you see the new Marvel movie?
Athlete: Yeah… we got to see it the night it opened at midnight!
Coach: Cool. Who’d you get to see it with? Any other guys on the team?
Athlete: No. Just me, my older brother and my dad.
Coach: Sweet. Now, finish drinking your water and take another lap.
Obviously, this is oversimplified. But, it isn’t inconceivable. In less than 15 seconds, we learned that the kid may be tired, but not exhausted, from staying up too late at the movies. However, he had a good time spending an evening with his family. Now, is his dad an involved parent or a Disneyland-dad? Does the kid stay up late every night, or was this a special occasion? Did he get a decent breakfast after limited sleep? These are still unknown, so we can only go by what we do know – he’s tired, but probably not broken.
Contrast that situation to this one:
Coach: Hey, bud. Did you see the new Marvel movie?
Athlete: The what? No. I dunno.
Coach: Not into superhero flicks, huh?
Athlete: No. I am. I’m just not. I dunno.
Coach: Cool. Hey buddy, why don’t you drink up, then help me… (do something else while the other guys run so we can learn more information and perhaps be of some help).
Again, oversimplified, I know. But the point remains the same. Two questions in, and a quality mentor can see the red flags being raised.
Now, here’s the big point. Don’t miss this:
This principle doesn’t merely apply to sports. The same things happen in day-to-day life.
Simply in our efforts to raise our kids to be decent human beings; to be selfless; to be merciful and do the right things… in order to reveal to our kids just how generous they can be, we need to push them beyond their perceived limits. Sometimes, this type of scenario reveals itself like a sprint:
“Dude, share half of your candy bar with your brother.”
And sometimes it’s more like training for a marathon:
“Guys, these other kids are going to be living with us for a couple months because their mom has been really sick and can’t get them to school and care for them every day. We’ll need to make room for them, not just at our dinner table, but in our schedules and in the amount of attention your mom and I have to give out to each of you. Cool?”
And, just like in sports, the key is to push them and grow them, but not to break them. More often than not, it’s ideal to guide them through “tired” and even to “exhaustion”, but not to their breaking point.
Now, each kid has their own unique limits.
And, just like we see in sports, there is only one way to discern where each individual’s breaking points are – by being a part in their lives.
No… let me correct that… by HAVING BEEN a part of their lives!
You see, anyone can pop into a situation, quickly assess how a kid is behaving, make assumptions regarding what has led up to that moment, and then take action to motivate the kid to their next step. But, that type of coach / mentor / parent is an odd-on-favorite to screw things up!
The key is to have been a constant influence on the kids’ life… and for them to be a constant influence on yours. You need to be able to recognize what stokes each kid’s fire as well as what burns them out. And, the only way to do that is to closely, daily, at every age and every stage, insert yourself into their daily routines. Many times, they won’t want you to know who they’re gaming with or what they’re struggling with. But, if you’re going to be good at this parenting / mentoring / coaching thing… you need to figure out how to wiggle your way into that space.
Then, and only then, can you push your kids to new, unforeseen, levels of generosity, kindness, and just putting others first.
Now, as with nearly every rule, there are exceptions. The analogy I’ve often heard is this:
In the event of a fire, even if you’re not a firefighter, every soldier needs to grab a water bucket. It doesn’t matter that you’re not a trained firefighter… turn on the hose!
You see, sometimes, we – even kids – have to function beyond our assumed breaking points. Some might say we have to give 110%. I wouldn’t say that, but many would.
My point is that there are times in each of our lives where we need to step up and give more – DO MORE – than we thought we could. This will come a lot easier if we are coached up to do just that. When we have reference points in our lives such as running and extra lap, pushing into overtime, dutifully babysitting for another hour beyond what was originally agreed upon… the opportunities are endless for us adults to push our kids to experience life outside of their comfort zones, and in doing so, preparing them for the uncomfortable moments in life once they are paying their own rent.
How do I know this? Well, it’s something that I try to inject into how I parent our four unique individuals on a daily basis. It’s a perspective that I bring into their sports training as well as their training for “real life”. And I learned this from my dad, who encouraged me to stretch myself and grow more in regards to work ethic and looking out for others (in other words being a good teammate) than for pursuing my own selfish desires and ambitions. In other words, when it came to being a hard working husband, father, friend, and neighbor… Dad taught me to give 110%.