Carty’s Contemporary Classics – You Stink!

Christian Podcast Central Classic Podcast

You wouldn’t walk up to a heavy person and say, how much do you weigh? You wouldn’t walk out to an ugly person and say, how ugly are you? You wouldn’t walk up to a person with a bad complexion and say, how many zits did you wake up with this morning? But none of you would hesitate to walk up to me and say…

How tall are you?

So I’m 5ft20. And I don’t have to ask people like, say cute things to me, things they assume I’ve never heard before. Like how’s the weather up there. So I usually spit on him, tell him it’s raining. That’s how we deal with that.

Now, we’ll start my story when I was 6’3 , I was 14 at the time. I weighed a little less than 130 pounds. That microphone stand and I had a lot in common in those days. I was so skinny when I put my striped swimsuit on there was just one stripe on it. I had to run around the shower to get wet. I had to be careful of the drain. I could tread water in a test tube. All those things are true of me.

And when you’re that size, girls are really scary, but there’s a thing that starts happening to a guy about then I was combing my hair one day and there was a hair was growing out from under my arm. And my voice had been cracking for two or three weeks. And when that happens to a guy he starts to notice the ladies. And there was this one at school, she was 5ft10. She weighed a little less than 110 pounds. Perfect. I think if her knees had of bent the other direction, she would have passed as a flamingo. I thought she was gorgeous. You know, I was afraid to talk to her though, because they’re so scary, girls.

I was walking down the halls of my school and our classes had changed around. I looked up and she’s walking toward me. We’re going to pass each other in the hall. I’ve never been that close to her before my back went zing, zong, zing. I got goosebumps on my arms and as we got close, she said “Hi.” So I said “Hi.” And that’s the end of the story.

Now there’s two or three weeks later. I was catching a ride back when you catch a ride and be relatively safe in a small town. I’m old. I was hitching this ride in the fifties. You can tell I’m old. See right here, I have a chicken neck. I didn’t use to have it chicken neck, but now I have a chicken neck, cause I’m old.

I’m from China Lake Ridgecrest, You know where that is? You know, continue on past Mojave and about an hour and then hang a right and head towards Death Valley. And so Ridgecrest isn’t exactly hell, but you can see it from there, you know.

All right, so my dad was a bookie. He took bets on horses and ran the card games in the back of the Porthole Bar and Cafe. So I’m a bar kid, I was raised in the bar and my dad had a couple of bouts with alcoholism. And my mom was a skid row alcoholic. My folks got a divorced when I was late in elementary school, early junior high someplace in there. Not by my parents, but somebody else, I was sexually abused as a kid. I’ve gotten through a bunch of junk. You know, like you, you’ve gone through stuff, right? I’m dysfunctional. That’s the word isn’t it, an overused word. I prefer the word torqued. We’re all a little torqued, you just can’t use it as an excuse for ungodliness.

I’m catching a ride. And the guy picks me up and of course, six, seven minute car ride, he asked me to go to church. Now it’s Friday night, I’m a Bookie’s kid, we don’t do church, you know? But at 6ft3, 130, you’re are afraid to say no to people. So I’m saying “No, I don’t because I just, it saved, but I okay, I will.”

I’m sitting six, seven rows back right over near where you are and the guy’s preaching. It’s one of those fire and brimstone kind of guys. Now, have you ever heard pure fire and brimstone? I mean pure fire and brimstone, Dave’s not the type I’m talking, I’m talking turn or burn here, you know, flip or fry, change your stroke or go down in smoke. I mean, when this guy would preach, he’d blow your hair back. He’d take a breath, suck your forward, blow you’re back with another salvo. I love the way he’d say God, he’d say “Goooood.” And the room would shake, his jowls would vibrate and spit would go all over the front row. Now that’s the kind of preaching I’m talking about here. I’d never heard anything like that before. You know? So he quotes the scriptures only he could do it. I’ll do it the way he did it. Then I’ll translate for you.

What he said was “We’ve all sinned and come short of the glory of God.” And I thought, I suppose, but some more than others. This guy wants to meet some people in the sin, I’ll introduce him to some of my buddies at school, they actually did the kind of things I just thought about. They still didn’t get it. This is the third try at that. You know? And they still didn’t get that.

See, I believe God grades on the curve. I mean, that’s the way I believe. And a lot of your friends, a lot of people you know, believe guide grades on the curve, right? Good people are bound to be okay, bad people are probably not okay. And I’m not sure where God draws the line, but if you’re just good enough, you’re bound to be all right. Right? You know, the standard bell shaped curve, good ones, bad ones. Most folks someplace in between. Where’s the God draw the line. All folks who think God grades on the curve, don’t think too much about where God draws the line. If you’re good, you’re bound to be okay. That’s what most folks think.

I didn’t realize that everyone on the bell shaped curve was in trouble. I didn’t understand that. Because see sin in its purest form now, is not what you do. What you do is the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, boastful pride of life. But sin is rebellion. It’s sticking your face into God’s face and saying no to God, wanting to be your own God. See. So that’s really what sin is. And sins like a pane of glass, draw a circle on it, put ten pie shaped wedges on it, call it ten commandments. Try to break one piece of pie. What happens to the pane glass, it shatters. Our Lord made it clear if you’ve broken one, you’ve broken them all.

That means the ten commandments weren’t given to you to live up to. If you could live up to them, Jesus wouldn’t have to die. Ten commandments were given that you might know it’s impossible to live up to them.

You can’t face God on your own. You need a representative, because you’ve sinned, right? Have you said no to God at some point in your life? Yes or no. Really? Anybody who has never said no to God, you just sinned. All right, well, see if you say you have no sin, then you just sinned, Bible says that. So that means, I mean, just stink. So do I sin, makes you stink. You stink. I stink. You think you don’t stink. You’re like an onion. You stink. Sniff the person on your right. No sniff them. Don’t just sit there and stare at me. You met him a minute ago. Now sniff them, sniff the one on your right. You sniff her, sniff her right now. All right. Now sniff the one on your left. Sniff them, sniff, sniff. Okay. Now let me tell you they smell. You either smelled their stink or something covering up their stink. Am I right on this? Now? You don’t have to be embarrassed about stinking. It is what everybody does. And some of you do it very well. Some of you are Bermuda onions, nothing worse. You take a slab of Bermuda and you put it on a burger, you pound it down right before bedtime, it will give you the kind of morning mouth only your dog will really appreciate. You know what I mean?

But some of you are Walla Walla Sweets. How many have ever had a Walla Walla Sweet onion? Have you had one? They’re good aren’t they? Aren’t they wonderful. It’s only a Walla onion. Did you know that? Yeah, it’s only half the town it used to be. You’ve been there lately? Not much of a town, but they’re good. Right? Maui’s are good. Vidalia’s are good, red onions, green onions, leeks, chives, whole gamut of onion. Nothing worse than Bermuda nothing better than a Walla Walla. Well, what is it every onion has in common with every onion that’s ever onioned. They all stink. Now, is it okay to say stink in church? It is the casual kind of place you folks probably don’t have much a problem with it. But one church, I had a little old lady come up to me afterwards and said, “Mr. Carty, I don’t think you ought to say stink in church. It’s not Reverend. It’s not holy. And I don’t think you ought to do it.” And I said, “Get a life.” You know, lighten up here. You’ve been baptized in pickle juice, just come on. All right. So on three, let’s try it. 1, 2, 3, stinks. It’s not that tough. Now, if you take an onion and put it in the refrigerator what would it make everything in the refrigerator do?

Stink.

Beginning to understand why you as an onion, can’t go to heaven. Because if you, as an onion went to heaven, there’s no stink in God’s refrigerator, no stink in heaven, it’s perfect, holy and pure, no stink allowed. And if you, as an onion went to heaven, you’d stink up high heaven. You understand how that works? So what do you do to get an onion fit for the kingdom? Cook it. Cooking the onion gets rid of some of the stink. Let me prove it. If you’re sitting next to an old person, in front, behind, or next to, I would like you to sniff an old person, right now. Now don’t be embarrassed about it. They know if they’re old or not. Just find an old one, give them a sniff. All right. Now, let me tell you what you didn’t smell. Old people don’t stink like young people. Cause life has cooked the stink out of them, brother.

I saw a bumper sticker once that said “Life’s hard. And then you die. Have a nice day.” Life is hard, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can live hell on earth and then qualify for the kingdom. That’s not the way it works. Right? So what do you do to get the onion fit for the kingdom? Wrapped in saran wrap, handy wrap, cling wrap, ziplock that sucker. You can put it in there. In the Old Testament, when you think sacrifice, think saran wrap, you’re pretty close. Saran wrap covered the sin, but it didn’t change the onion. It paid the interest on your principle debt of sin.

New Testament, final sacrifice, Christ paid off the debt. His shed blood covers your sin, but he goes a step further and changes the onion. He puts a seed right in the center of it because there’s room. There’s no core to an onion, apple, orange, banana, kiwi. And as the fruit grows, what happens to the thickness of the old nature, the old skin? Well, it gets thinner and thinner and less of an issue because you’re not what you used to be. He went on to quote another scripture. The wages of sin is?

Death.

You understand death means hell in that context, don’t you struggle with that one? How can a loving God allow a place like that to exist? It seems to be inconsistent with the nature of God. But boy, when Jesus talked, he used the word love more than hell but situationally he talked about hell a third more than he talked about love. Jesus was the original hellfire and brimstone preacher. It’s a real deal. Whether we understand it or not.

That’s a tough one though, isn’t it? Hell, minimally, if sin is saying no to God, then minimally, hell, forget the fire stuff just for a second. Minimally, it’s at least the absolute absence of the presence of God. It’s a place where you can be your own God, no strings attached. And God says it’ll be the worst thing imaginable.

Give me the worst person that ever lived. Who should we go with? Hitler? It’s just always Hitler. Saddam gave him a little run for his money, but he won’t have enough time, so we’re going with Hitler. Make him comfortably your left hand, Hitler, okay? Yeah, don’t fold your arms and try to stare me down. I’ll point you out to everybody. You can’t get away with that. I’m leaving on Wednesday so it doesn’t matter to me. All right. Yeah. All right. Got it. Left-hand yeah. That’s Hitler.

Best person to ever live, excluding biblical characters. Who should we go with? Mother Teresa? It’s just always Mother Teresa. You just hear Mother Teresa, Mother Teresa. Now Billy Graham. You know, for some of you might want Billy and there are Gandhi for some, but we’re going with Mother Teresa. Okay. Pretty good. Right? Right-hand. Hitler’s, Mother Teresa. Worst. Best. You substitute names if you want. But the worst, the best.

Right now Hitler’s a one, Mother Teresa’s a nine, gods a ten on the goodness scale. Okay. Mother Teresa’s good, but she’s not as good as God. Right? Okay.

So you pick your number, according to where you are on the scale. You’re not as bad as Hitler, not as good as Mother Teresa. Right? So you pick your number and I’ll call on a few of you just to find out where we are. Now don’t say I’m just a two. That’s the worm deal. We’re not doing the worm deal here. That’s for dope pushers, hit men, pimps, prostitutes, murderers, people like that. So unless that’s what you are, don’t say I’m a two and don’t do the spiritual thing and say, oh and Jesus, I’m a nine, I’m a ten. Because if you were nine or ten, your name would have come up and it didn’t. So pick your number. You, sir. What’s your number?

I told you, what’s your number? What are you? What, no. What a five, five. What’s your name?

Nick.

Nick, How many of you know Nick? Nick says he’s a five.

He’s a three.

How many of you changed your number when he said five? Do you know this guy you’re sitting next to you? Do what number are you? You’re going to say six, six? So you think you’re better than that? Well, of course you are going to look at him, you know. See, it wouldn’t have made any difference. What number Nick said, all of a sudden, when he said his number, he became the standard by which the rest of you compared yourself. And what are you doing when you do that? You’re comparing onions to onions. And that’s how you end up with a conclusion that nice people don’t really go to hell. You got the wrong standard. As soon as you compare yourself to the absolutely holy standard of God, you realize you don’t measure up and that you need a representative. Christ offers to be that.