Carty’s Contemporary Classics – You Stink!

Christian Podcast Central Classic Podcast

We like to think who’s going to heaven on the bases of how you determine a good hitter in baseball. If you get on base every time, what do you call it? Lucky. Yeah. Well, what else do you call it? Batting a thousand. Why doesn’t anybody aspire to bet a thousand? It’s impossible. So the way we feel good about ourselves is see who hit what, and then those who hit at the top, they’re the ones who are called the good hitters. And we say they must be okay, because they’re good, and the rest of us aren’t as good as them, so we don’t know if we’re okay. So if you’re good, you’re bound to be all right. Not biblical folks. Doesn’t have a thing to do with it. We’re all onions. Let’s go to The Grand Canyon.

We’re going to jump it. Six miles across, God’s on the other side, he’s a 10, only 10’s go to heaven. Mother Teresa is the best long jumper to ever live. Pulls over and motors towards the edge, and she soars. 40 feet across the Canyon! 40 feet! You know how far that is? That’s 10 feet further than they went in the Olympics. If somebody broke a record by 10 feet, it would hit the papers and be a big deal. And where’d she go? Colorado River. Now, Hitler old blob body never could jump in six feet, two bounces north into Colorado River. And where are you going to end up, you try to jump that canyon on your own? River. Fourth person on the canyon, it’s Christ. Got one of those kid’s fanny packs in it you know? Only this one’s adjusted to fit the size of yours.

Got your name on it. You’re too proud to ask for a ride, you won’t get to go. You don’t believe he can make the jump with you in the pack, you won’t ask him. And if you think you can get across any other way, you won’t ask him. I’ve always wondered what repentance is. I could never grasp it because if it’s works, if repentance is some kind of works, if it’s something I do, then Christ wouldn’t have to die for my sin. But what is it? I think it’s agreeing that I don’t have the capacity within me. To stand before a holy God and be okay, because he’s perfect. I am certainly not that. And unless I am, I can’t stand in front of him, unless Christ is standing there with me.

I’m sitting in that meeting and the guy, he finds me. I don’t know how he found me. I think he had the kind of eyes that are in the painting in the haunted house in Disneyland, looks at everybody at the same time. How’s it do that? I don’t know how it does that, but he locked onto me and he screamed; have you ever said no to God? And I said, yeah. It was a great day for me folks. I thought I was a good guy, I thought that’s all you had to be. And all of a sudden I realized I was a sinner like everybody else, I needed Christ. As a 14 year old, I asked Christ in my life. Next day we had a youth retreat, one of those Saturday, Sunday jobbers, and I went, and guess it was on the retreat?

That little flamingo was on that trip. And we took this little walk down a gravel road late one night, I couldn’t kiss her. No, no I couldn’t, I was terrified. I put my arm around her though, I’d never done that before. It was so good. That was, oh, it took me three weeks to kiss her. I married her seven years later though, and her legs are filled out and her knees look great, she’s a fox.

I got a scholarship to Oregon State University, played basketball with all coast, almost, while I was there, achieved incredible notoriety. And then I coached a couple years there and then three years at UCLA, I was on John Wooden staff. I was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s personal coach. Now I’m 6’8”. Some of you haven’t figured out what 520 is yet? Kareem’s 7’2”. I got a 37 inch arm, he’s got a 42 inch arm. I have small hands for a man my size, his fingers are an inch and half longer than mine. I’m not a good jumper, he’s a great jumper. I’m the guy after whom they originally coined the phrase that there’s nothing quicker than white hang time.

Got to picture Kareem, he’s got baseline for a reverse two handed slam, both legs are up in the air like this. Understand I have to do them separately. The net is sitting on his head, he’s trying to dunk the ball, but he can’t dunk the ball because his head’s in the way. He’s doing a terrible grimace while he is waiting for himself to start down. Great picture on my wall. Then from there I played for the Lakers. Any Laker fans left? I see the hand, great. How many remember me? I see all the hands. Bible says not to be proud or boastful, and you’ve given me no cause to sin I’ll tell you that for sure. Highlight of my career came in the Boston Garden against the then great Boston Celtics. I was in my usual seat.

It’s a good one, there was never anyone sitting in front of me. My contribution to the team, Gatorade, was a brand new product in 1968. And I would take Gatorade and I would go, way to hustle, nice rebound, great shot. I was usually bloated by halftime. Go like this, you could hear me slosh, those kind of thing. I usually played during what we called garbage time. No matter how well you played, no matter how badly you played, you cannot possibly affect the outcome of the game. Sometimes I got to play. Then, this is the start of the second quarter, nationally televised game coach said, Carty. I should pass this down to the coach he must be thirsty.

He said, no get your warmups off I want you to play. I said, coach the game hasn’t been decided yet. He said get your stuff up. I wore about a warmup jacket, you don’t have buttons and you don’t have a zipper. Things can get hung up. You have snaps and you grab me and go, you’re out of it. You have to have them on because the portable floors over the ice, they don’t melt the floor. They play hockey in the same places, so they just put the portable floor over the ice, so it’s cool. So you have to have warmups and snaps. You see, you have snaps all the way down the pant leg. So all I have to do is grab the waistband here, and the waistband here. And those snaps come undone, and you’re out of them. So I come out of a warmup jacket, I throw it on the floor. I start to come out of my warmup pants and I had a thing flash through my mind.

I have a friend, true story, played with the Detroit Pistons. On national TV, he comes out of his warmup pants, only has on a smile. I am not kidding you. We are talking full moon shot on national TV. Guy throws him a towel from the bench, wraps it around him, they all get up from the bench, get around him and walk him into the dressing room while the camera. And I said, I don’t want that happening to me. I’m taking a peek, and I go, all right, I’m out of them, but it was scary for a minute. Now you need to know, not only can I not jump, I’m very slow. The announcer chick, Kerren, always said that when I ran, it looked like I was treading wood.

So coach says, Carty, what do you think we got to do? I said, I don’t know, you’re the coach. He said, okay, you’re going to fast break. I said, you’re out of your gourd. And he said, no, nobody’d ever think of it, once you’re the coach, only a genius would think of that. Here’s the plan. So we get out on the floor, Wilt Chamberlain will be jumping center with Bill Russell. He’s going to tap the ball over to Elton Bailey. Jerry West is over here, as the ref throws the ball up I’m going to take off running. John Havlicek guarding me. He’s really fast. He can run all day and never sweat. I’m sorry, will you forgive me? Ladies, I’m sorry. It’s a course word, sweat. Horses, sweat. Men perspire. Women glow. So anyhow, Havlicek won’t expect me to go. That’ll give me two or three step head start.

Then when he turns and looks at me, he will never see anything working that hard, going that slow, I should get another two or three step head start. You give me four to six steps. That’s quarter of a court, he’s got a whole half court to go, so surely we can at least get to the hoop at the same time. And if we do, I’m three inches taller than he is, and I should be able to score. And I’ve never scored in Boston Gardens, never been on national TV, I’m pretty excited, I get out on the floor and my legs kind of going like this. If I take off running back at the center, I get the ball, everything’s working perfectly. All I have to do is dribble three times and I’m in.

Won’t be easy, I’m a forward, I’m not a guard, guards are better ball handlers. I’m right handed, but I’m going to have to dribble my left hand. Won’t be easy, but I figure I’ll push it out there. Run, catch up to it, push it out there. Should be able to do that three times, I should be able to. Havlicek realizes he’s been had, and he sounds like Fred Flintstone driving his car. You can hear his feet putty pat in the hardware. And now he’s close, I feel his breath on the back of my neck. I get to the hoop and I plant my foot, ready transfer my momentum into a stationary object to allow my inertia to carry me skyward. I’m going to jump. And have a Havlicek misjudges my speed.

I’m going much slower than he thought. And he just splashed on by and I soared into the air at that height. Laid the ball on the glass the cylinder, spinned twice in the cone, looked like it might kick out. And I said, oh no, don’t miss a lamp Boston Garden. Please go in, lease go in, please go in, please! It did. It was so good, I was one for one. I had two points, and I said to myself, this game easy. They went down, shot, we got the rebound, came down offense, I set up left side 20 feet, somebody threw me the ball. I said, let’s consider the alternative. How many players on a team? First option is to pass. How many of my guys to throw to? How many of their guys? Odds are bad, I decide not to throw it. Second option is to dribble, but I wear size 15 shoes, see? Some people, you got to watch my eyes, some people in the front row did this. I wear a size 15 shoe. Sometimes they do this. I wear a size 15 shoe.

But this young lady was kind of casual. She did it like nobody I’ve ever seen, it was kind of with a position shift and a double eye blink, this is kind of the way it happened. I wear a size 15 shoe.

My dad used to say my feet are the biggest things he ever saw that didn’t have guts in them. What would happen to a round ball hitting a regular surface? I don’t know either, I don’t dare dribble. Only eight seconds left on a 24 second clock, what do they got to do? Preach. That’s right. Crank went off from 20. Now here’s the key.

You want to start with your upper arm parallel the floor. You want your forearm at right angles to your upper arm, and you want your wrist at parallel to your upper arm. See when you’re carrying a pizza, you don’t want to get in your palm. The pizza’s hot, it’ll burn your palm. So you put it in your fingers. And if you carry it like this, it’ll slide out on the floor and make a mess. So you got to hold it like a pizza, it’s very uncomfortable, but that’s your shooting position. And you want have your forearm in the elevator shaft. Cause if it’s out here, out of the shaft, you introduce a variable that’s lateral. You don’t want that, and you don’t want it to go forward either because that makes the shot flat. You know, two basketballs will fit through a basketball hoop at the same time? But not going this way, only coming this way. So you want the action up in the elevator shaft and you want to finish with your fingers in the cookie jar. That will ensure the follow-through.

See if you don’t get good follow-through, that’ll be a brick air ball or a backward clinger. If you have nice follow through, if it is an air ball, at least you looked pretty. Right, so I had to go from 20, it was straight, it was true, I was two for two. I had four points and I said, bonus, give me some more money, I’m doing good. After that shot we got rebound, came down offense, I said the right side, 19 feet, I didn’t hesitate, in your face. And I cranked it off from 19, and I said, rookie other year, get it all while you’re here. It went down shot, we got rebound, came down, offense, somebody else shot, boys man. I wanted that ball, give me the ball. So I go in and I’m standing next to the great Bill Russell, certainly the greatest defensive center that’s ever played basketball. Hi Bill, hi Jay. How’s it going? Just great. Ball at the back of the rim, Russell goes like this, rebound.

I mean he rockets for the roof. He was so high, I turned and stared him right in the naval. But the ball hit the front of the room, bashed about his fingers there’s, there’s his fingers, there’s the ball, both came down together, so I soared into the air, about that high, snatched the ball with two hands. And you want to intimidate the defensive player, so you go like this, you go. Like that, see? Russell was terrified. He stood, they’re coiled, poised, waiting for me to jump so that he could tattoo Spalding, right across my forehead. He wants to brand me with the ball, so he is waiting for me to jump, but I already had jumped and he didn’t know it.

I’m four for four. I got eight. And then all of a sudden it happened. To this day. I do not know who did it. Somebody sucked the last breath of oxygen out of the gym. You can’t drink that much Gatorade and run that hard, and there’s a camera panned in tight on the rookie. I just gone four for four in the Garden. Real tight, close up, national TV. I throw up. And the highlight of my career was coughing my cookies in Boston Garden.

Well I found myself 29 years of age, living in Corona Del Mar, Newport Beach, here. We had the great house, watched the sunset behind Catalina Island every day. Keys at the private beach, drove a new car, worked in Fashion Island. Those days, it’s about a five minute trip, went home for lunch. There’s no small beach, private beach hadn’t made, and one little problem. My wife and I were about to get a divorce. Now I’d been in the Secret Service for 15 years. Remember I told you I came to Christ 14 year old, I’m now 29, 15 years had passed, and nobody knew I was a Christian, but me, you just couldn’t tell.

And I said, you know, before we do this, let’s go back to church. It’s been a long time. So it was about the third week at church, and somebody asked us to go to a couple’s conference at a Christian camp, up in the high Sierra. He said 15 bucks for your deposit and they’ll make your wife happy and we’ll become friends, so surely friendship’s worth 15 bucks, what do you say? What am I going to say? Your friendship’s not worth 15 bucks. You’re not going to say that. So I go. And it’s one of those husband, wife deals, they’re 60 couples, 120 people, and it’s Saturday night, and I’m really wanting to leave, kind of like most of you.

And I’m waiting for the magic words, let’s pray, because the magic words come, let’s pray, I means 15, 20 seconds, you can get. So the guy says, let’s pray and I’m thinking, wonderful. And five minutes go by and no sign of lead up and five minutes in eternity when you’re looking for 20 seconds worth. I start daydreaming, thinking the ball game, mowing the grass, business problems. I tune in 10, 15 minutes later, they are still praying. There’s a guy standing up over on the aisle, right over there. And he is praying. And I know he is standing because I’m peaking during prayer, because I think what’s it going to hurt one guy going to peak and invalidate the whole thing? I didn’t think so.

And he said, God, I haven’t been a spiritual leader in my family, would you forgive me? And he touches his wife and tears coming down her face, says, honey, would you help me become the kind of man God wants me to be? I was embarrassed for him, saying something like that in front all those people, not very macho. But somebody sniffed, and I’m thinking, let me out of here. And a woman stood up over in the middle there. I knew she was standing because I was peeking during prayer eye. She said, God, I’ve been so down at my household spiritually, would you forgive me? She’s crying, her husband’s crying, says, honey, would you forgive me and help me become the kind of woman God wants me to be? And there’s like a rash of hay fever turned loose in the place. Everybody started sniffing, blowing their noses, and I’m thinking, let me out of here. And my wife stood up.

I could have killed her. I mean I’m living in competition, I felt like I was just challenged to a pray up. I was mad. And then my heart went from here to here. And my palms got real sweaty, guy leaned to me, he said, you know, we can’t close yet. There’s somebody out there, his hearts beating right in his throat. And he really said it. And your palms are probably real sweaty right now, and it is not me, no! And he said, why don’t you give up? Why don’t you give up? Question, have you ever made a mistake in your life? Yes or no?

God ever made a mistake? Why would you trust a known mistake maker, you, and not trust a God who’s never made a mistake? And he said, why don’t you thrust yourselves, yourself into the hands of a holy God, and see what happens? And I found myself crying. Not a little teary eyed cry. This is one of those absolutely broken, embarrassingly convulsive kind of cries. And through that somehow I said, God, I don’t fully understand everything that’s going on right now, but I know you’re God and I’m not. And I’ve been trying to run things and clearly it’s about to go up in smoke. And I don’t promise I’ll never say no to you again, I just promise, I won’t want to, and if that’s good enough, here I am. And I thrust myself into the hands of God. And I didn’t know it, but I just prayed the last two verses the 139th song. Search me, oh God, and know my heart, try me, know my anxious thoughts, see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. And here I am, 20 years later.

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