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My dad turned 70-years-old this weekend, but even more impressive, this weekend marks my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary! Most couples would have waved the white flag by now, but not my mom and dad… they’re showing off, celebrating 50 years together!
But, the weird thing about celebrating birthdays and anniversaries is that you’re basically saying, “Congratulations… you’re still alive!” or “Way to go… you haven’t destroyed each other!”
So, what do you say to people who have been married for 50 years?
“Congrats! Your marriage is older than eight-track tapes!”
The main comment I heard them say was, “Wow… 50 years have flown by so fast!”
Really?
Does that mean that they’ve been raptured in wedded bliss for all those years… or are they just not good at paying attention?
“The 90’s are over already?? Wow! I was out weeding the garden and suddenly another generation has passed. Maybe we should keep a calendar around or something to keep track of time.”
Anyway, congratulations, Mom and Dad on your 50th anniversary, and Dad… happy birthday, and thank you for the amazing example of faith and love that you have been to all of us!
Next, my good buddy Leland Klassen steps up to the mic… or the phone, as the case may be. Before diving into comedy full time, Leland had an array of interesting jobs. He spent time as a roofer, an arborist… or tree planter, he was a van converter… apparently transforming regular vans into RV vans, and he was a currier. To me, curriers sound like mythical beasts, but he was the type that delivered packages and parcels. Though, many of the people he delivered to thought that he possessed some sort of mythical powers. More often than expected, he would arrive at someone’s home or office with a sealed package and they would exclaim:
“Wow! What is it?”
“Ma’am… it’s not from me. I’m just the last person to carry it. All I can say is that whatever it is… it’s likely broken now.”
Maybe that’s how he lost that job.
Luckily, for us at least, he landed in his current occupation – making people laugh. But, he doesn’t seem to be all laughs when he travels. You see, Leland is an international success, living in Canada and performing all over North America. But, he has noticed that flying in the US is quite different than flying in Canada. Security is much more lax up north…
“What is that sir… a baseball bat and hatchet in your carry on? Are you going to need that? OK, move along.”
Whereas, in the US, if you show up with a half-full waterbottle in hand, you might cause a complete shutdown of your terminal!
There was one airport experience Leland remembers, when he was quite tired to begin with. As he shuffled through TSA, he noticed the yellow markers where they sometimes have to pat you down for security reasons. During the process, one of the workers patted him down right at his bicep. Without thinking before speaking, Leland said:
“Hey… whathya doin’ there? Checking out the guns?”
An acceptable, albeit awkward thing to say at the gym, but completely ill-timed and inappropriate thing to say at an American airport! Realizing this was not the smartest thing he’s ever said, Leland tried to fix it by following up with:
“You know… because I’ve got muscular arms.”
That’s when Mr. TSA looked at my friend with a complete deadpan expression and replied, “No. No you don’t.”
That was more offensive to Leland than if he would have been arrested!