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Fox News recently warned of an impending shortage of Velveeta cheese.  A bona fide Velveetapocalypse!

Now, as we look into Velveeta’s origins – “a cheese that tastes like velvet” – we learn that it was the first cheese product to gain the American Medical Association’s Seal of Approval.

How, then, are we as a people supposed to survive through this unavoidable catastrophe?  I mean, getting by without it isn’t an option.  In America today, the three necessities for survival are Velveeta, water and shelter.

Here are some recommendations:

  1. You can try to stretch out and conserve your current Velveeta inventory.  For instance, withhold from double dipping in order to get twice the mileage out of your Velveeta dip.
  2. Look to your other senses to fill the void.  Simply smelling a block of Velveeta can convince your appetite that it is being satiated and keep your mind occupied for up to two or three minutes.
  3. Become more self-reliant and attempt to make your won Velveeta.  Unfortunately, like hot dogs, no one really knows what goes in Velveeta cheese – nor do they want to.
  4. Hoard the currently available stockage of Velveeta.  Freeze it.  In colder climates, you can store palettes of Velveeta in your backyard.  The only problem is if bears invade your stash.  Bears are a problem no matter what.  But there is nothing more dangerous and menacing than a constipated bear.

For more family-friendly comedy, check out the Daren Streblow Comedy Show