Reflections of Grace 8: 10 STEPS TO HEALING FROM CHILDHOOD ABUSE – Forgiveness

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Step 8—Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an act of our will. You can’t wait until you feel like forgiving, because you will never feel like doing it. We think the person doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

You will never use the force of your will more dramatically than when you agree with Him to start forgiving.

It is not about feeling; it is about being willing. Forgiveness is power. It takes divine power to forgive.

I don’t think anything demands more perseverance than giving God the solitary right to vengeance. It is difficult to let go of our “right” to feel justified in our anger.

Unforgiveness against people who hurt me only strengthened the tie of my bondage to them. My sense of entitlement to nurture unforgiveness only worked to further entangle and enmesh me with the very people I wouldn’t forgive. The people I had wanted to avoid, because they had hurt me so badly, were the very people I was taking with me emotionally everywhere I went. I was subject to them through my own bitterness and lack of forgiveness.

One of the truths I learned is that to forgive someone does not mean that you are saying that what they did to you is okay, quite the contrary. Unless there is true repentance on their part, they remain the same person. When you forgive another person, you are simply releasing them to God, to free yourself from carrying them anymore. Therefore, forgiving those who had hurt me didn’t mean I had to associate with them anymore; it just freed me from them.

Jesus asked God to forgive those who crucified Him, but when He rose from the dead and before He ascended, He only spent time with His disciples, because He knew that his abusers’ hearts had not changed. He didn’t reveal Himself to these abusers. We must still protect ourselves from those whom we know will continue to hurt us, while at the same time forgiving them and letting them go.

There is no formula for forgiveness, for prayer and release. It is a simple act of letting go. How freeing is that? Sometimes we make things of God so difficult, when it is really very easy. We feel the need to work and feel worthy. But Jesus has paid it all. We just need to walk in it. What a gift He has given us!

None of us can endure betrayal on our own. We have to land on the lap of a loving Father, pouring out our hurts and disappointments, knowing he is able to care for us even beyond the unfaithfulness of others. As we find healing and rest in his love, it becomes clear how he wants us to respond.

Most times in the case of child abuse we want to distance ourselves from destructive people, especially those who violate our boundaries.

But someone said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison while waiting for the rat to die,” because in reality, unforgiveness can kill us!!! It is only about releasing them to Father!!

Forgiveness is not just a choice of our will; it is a process. It begins by bringing our hurt and pain to Father so that his love can heal us from what others have done to damage us. This may take a few weeks or even years, depending on how deep the betrayal, but don’t stop short until his freedom comes to reign in your heart. Somewhere along the way, as he untangles the pain and leads us out of it into greener pastures, you’ll find yourself able to release the other person from your judgment and entrust them to God.

You’ll know forgiveness has had its work in you when you no longer feel the pain in your stomach when you think of the one who hurt you. You’ll find God’s love more powerful than the most destructive intentions of others. In the end, we learn to forgive as we understand how much we need God’s forgiveness ourselves.

Forgiveness is a unilateral process. It doesn’t depend on the other person owning their failure or asking me for it. My forgiveness of others is transacted with God alone. I free them to God. And, as much as God allows, I take my liberty in removing myself from their continuing influence on my life. Forgiving can allow an amiable relationship, but many times it will be a distant one. You can keep the peace with them by not bringing up the past, but the relationship will not heal.

Nothing in forgiveness heals the relationship, nor does it give respect back to those who were hurtful. Many have been taught that true forgiveness erases the past and lets us start over. It does not. While I remove my judgment from them, their actions may still expose their true nature. While I can continue to love them, it is love with complete awareness…. aware of the deep inner torment that they live with and their willingness to thrust it upon others in an instant. But you are free.

For more information about Dixie’s ministry, visit www.reflectionsofgracehome.com