Interview with a Cow (Going Green)
I’d like to introduce our Metahuman Reporter, Thor Ramsey, who has the power to interview things other reporters can’t!
Why is he on our staff? Well, he’s on a work release program. Thor, what do you have for us this week?
Thor Ramsey: Thanks, Brad. Since one of our issues today on Brad Stein Has Issues is “Going Green”, I thought I would interview a California cow – known to be the happiest cows in the world. The California government has taken down “big hair” (if you remember Aqua Net). Now they’re taking down “big cow”, by claiming that cow emissions destroy the ozone. But, let’s find out from the cows, themselves. How do they feel about this? Bessie, what’s your take on the government crackdown?
Cow: Bessy?! That’s taken some liberties, don’t you think?
Thor: Wow, you are California cow.
Cow: Yeah. How come they think that if you got an utter, you got to be a girl? I’m just blaze my own trail here, if you don’t mind.
Thor: Okay. I can’t wait to sample your milk. So, do you take this law personally?
Cow: Look, I put the “me” in “methane”.
Thor: Has this new law affected your diet at all?
Cow: Well they did cut out chili night. Now, when we go to TGI Friday’s, we can only order from the fit fare. I just hope this is enforced across the board. Don’t let those Chick-Fil-A cows off just because they’re stars!
Thor: Has this made things tougher for California cows?
Cow: You remember the toys when you turn a handle, open the door, and the cow goes, “Moo!”? Yeah, that was Grandma Nana. All that voiceover work is now being outsourced to cows in India! (“Moo… don’t eat meat.”)
Thor: What’s been the biggest change for you, my friend?
Cow: Well, back in the day, the business was much more personal. They’d hand-milk you. Now, I’m being pumped hourly by a smart phone. It’s all so corporate, the way things are done. Just the total “herd mentality” is annoying.
Thor: Do you feel oppressed by these emission laws?
Cow: Well, they seem to be talkin’ to our females. That’s the first thing. It makes me question their emission stats. You ever ask a group of women who farted? Some of these dairy cows are lactose intolerant so it’s a vicious cycle.
Thor: What’s the solution?
Cow: I don’t know. But, “Holdin’ it in” is not safe for us! People will find cows turned inside out and blame it on aliens! I’m telling you, that ain’t it. We have we have four stomachs and one release hole. You do the math!
Thor: It’s reported the environmental laws in California are so strict, that the production of a lot of movies now are being shot in other states.
Cow: Oh… well, in one sense, the laws about waste are working! Thor: Are you guys really passing that much emission?
Cow: Why do you think we have cowbells? To cover the noise.
Thor: I know this – keeping California cows happy is not something to take lightly. Coconut milk, soy milk, almond milk… one taste of any of those and you say, “That ain’t milk.”
