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Two reasons to smile today: First reason was the hour I spent at the park pushing my 5 year old on the swings, chasing him around the playground and hearing him laugh at the top of his lungs. Second reason was the reaction on the faces of the suburban moms as a 6’3 tattooed ex-con looking white guy chases a screaming black child through the park as the child screams “don’t touch me, go away”. Moms were horrified; they seriously pulled their children away from us as we played.
Our first year of parenting we started with a Kindergartner, First Grader, Fourth Grader and a Freshman. With four kids that had three different school start times and three different release times, my wife and I spent a lot of time finding creative ways to kill sometime between drop offs and pick ups. Since our youngest, Darrien, got out of Kindergarten at least an hour before his siblings we spent time feeding ducks at a local pond, we went to the “In Door Zoo” which was a big pet shop that had birds, reptiles and fish, we wandering stores looking for the cheapest and most expensive things in that store, we ate a few late lunches, but by far his favorite after school dad time activity was the park.
My little man has endless energy and even after a day of school and an hour of park time he still had energy to burn. So my job at the park was to try and burn as much of his energy as possible with out passing out in a pile of bark under the swing set. Each park trip was full of similar activities like swing pushing, slide sliding, and playing chase. Chase was always the best way to burn energy, swinging whipped me out, but not the boy. Sliding was fun but not an energy burn. But chase meant he was running and climbing and jumping and screaming all over the park as long as dad could keep up.
My favorite parts of park days were hearing Dino laughing and screaming at the top of his lungs enjoying playing with dad. But almost as much as I enjoy hearing him love life out loud was watching other parents freak out at me play with my son. See l am a six-foot 3, 330 pound, shaved head, goateed, heavily tattooed white guy who looks more like a biker or gang member than I do a dad. Darrien at the time was a tiny three-foot something, 30-pound, skinny mini-guy who is African American and looks nothing like me. Get a good mental picture of those two physical descriptions and now picture me chasing him while he screams, “Get away, don’t touch me, help me, ahhhhhh scary guy!”. As this fun is happening all over the park the other parents are freaking out. There was not one other dad at the park and there wasn’t one other African American at the park either. So the crowd of white moms had no idea how to deal with this. They looked horrified at me, they pulled their children away from the areas we were playing, one lady just looked with her mouth hanging open with a finger in the air like she was going to say something but she never did. I so badly wanted to stop and look at these moms and yell, “I’m coming after your child next!” just to see how they would freak out. But I have a feeling that would not have ended well.
One specific day as we got in the car to go and get my other kids from school Darrien looked at me and said, “Why weren’t the other parents and kids playing with us? Was it because I’m brown and you’re white?” I was so bummed that he noticed the other parents’ response to us and I was so mad that he thought it was because of our different skin colors. He might have been right, but I hated that he was right. So I needed to answer my son and explain why things were the way they were. And what came to mind wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t going to be from the scared mom’s point of view, my response was going to be from a loving fathers point of view that was investing in a young man.
“Son some of those kids wouldn’t play with you because they were jealous. Did you see any other Dads at the park? Nope. All the other kids wished they could be with their dads, they wished they were as lucky as you. The moms didn’t want to play with us because men play tough and girls and ladies can never play the same way dads and sons play. The ladies just wanted to watch us be crazy manly guys. And buddy you are brown and I am white and everyone can see that. But if they take time to watch a few minutes they would see how our laughter doesn’t have a color, they would see our smiles are the same, they would see how when you hug me you don’t care what color I am and when I hug you I don’t care what color you are. If they don’t like that we are different colors it’s because they have problems, not because we have problems.”
I knew I had to address Darrien’s concerns. But I also knew that I had the responsibility and freedom to frame my answer in a way that could empower and encourage Darrien. So I chose to highlight the fact that we were having great father-and-son time. I chose to encourage the idea that we were doing exciting manly things that only fathers and sons could to together. And lastly I wanted him to know our relationship and our love was defined by us, not by anyone outside of our family.
My job as a father is to help my kids develop the lens they will view the world through. I could have shown Darrien that since we are not a “traditional” family, the world will treat us differently and because of how they view us we will live lives that are constantly responding to someone else’s opinions and feelings. But I don’t want my kids to give that much power and influence to someone else. So looking at the same situation I hoped to show Darrien that he has the power to live above other people’s opinions, that he gets to choose his own narrative.
Now let me make something clear, I am not saying that I am going to tell my kids they are the best player on the team when they aren’t. I am not going to tell them they are talented singers when they aren’t. What I am going to tell them is they get to decide who they are, not someone else. My kids will choose who they want to be, my kids will not be defined by other peoples opinions and preferences. I don’t have the ability to change their pasts or to rewrite their story, but I will encourage and empower them to choose their futures.
As parents we have the opportunity and responsibility to not only help our kids discover who they are but also cast a vision of who they can become. We can’t sit on the side lines watching as schools, teachers, coaches, friends, and strangers tell them who they are because of where they came from. Parents we need to love our kids where they are at – regardless of the past they came from – and love them enough to help them become the best “Them” that they want to be.
Our children’s past will constantly remind them of who they were
Their current surroundings will try to tell them who they need to be
Our job is to lead them, guide them, empower them, equip them
And walk with them to help them become who they will be.
To learn more about Mike’s Unorthodox life, Unorthodox ministry, and Unorthodox takes, check out Unorthodoxman.com. And, to join the Unorthodox Community, visit our Facebook page.