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Going Green

Brad Stine Has Issues: The only show on television where both points of view are given equal dignity, so we can mock them both! That’s what I love about liberty and justice for all.

Today’s first issue on the docket: Going Green!

We hear a lot about going green. But, come on folks, what does it mean? When I was a kid, we had a Jolly Green Giant… which was good. Because, if you ever find yourself alone in a dark alley with a giant, you better pray he’s jolly!

We had a talking green frog… that was in love with a pig.

That’s right, we were way ahead of the transgender folks! We saw that coming in the 60’s!

So, what am I saying?

Basically, going green, back in the day, only meant one thing: you were a freak of some kind, a giant, or a pig loving frog!

Well, guess what? Those who are extremists still have a freakish nature. And, if we go, the planet doesn’t give a rip. Because it doesn’t know we left. People disappear, and the planet’s still hanging around, making hurricanes, and earthquakes, and forest fires… and eventually, the lizard people from below the center of the earth will come out and repopulate.

What? None of you have seen Land of the Lost?

Now, God expects us to honor our environment because He gave it to us. That was in Genesis. (I mean the post-Genesis, after Peter Gabriel)

And the “green people” have become cult-like fanatics which never turns out well:

(“News Archive”): Religious leader, Jim Jones, took 900 followers to a remote island and had them drink poisoned Kool-Aid. They all died. Tithing dropped dramatically the following week.

Leave it to Jim Jones to ruin Kool-Aid for everybody!

I’ll tell you what will keep you from littering again: Sweep up a parking lot after closing. Once your eco footprint steps in a used diaper over a smashed beer bottle, “Give a Hoot Don’t Pollute” just isn’t strong enough language!

Wait a minute. If nature is our “mom”, she needs to be a better example. She litters all the time. Look at all the tree branches she scatters around the forest, making it hard for us to find the asphalt hiking paths we made to honor our being out in nature. Every stinking fall, she throws her leaves everywhere, and then I have to clean them up because she’s too lazy to do it herself!

Bring down lighting from heaven, mother!

Alright, so let me get this straight… cuz I don’t want to put my trash in the wrong bin, and cause the trash to feel bad about itself.

Black can for trash. Blue for recycling. Green for greens. Red for dismembered bodies. Orange for stuff you bought in Florida and decided to throw away. Turquoise for things for eBay and Craigslist. Pink and blue speckled ampersand sign for transgendered trash. (That’s right… paper that identifies as a banana peel)

So, in conclusion, some of you may be thinking, “Hey, we’re all on this planet together and we are all entitled to our own point of view. What… do you think your philosophy is better than a green-lovin’-recycle-fanatic-big-government-espousing-worshipper-of-nature? Huh?!”

Yeah… pretty much.

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Hey, it’s “God’s Comic” – Brad Stine – and I have issues!

This is my show – the show that has issues, where we defend biblical world views with jokes! God can take it, He’s a big guy.

I do bring up God because I believe in God, I think He’s real and He’s watching.

Our first segment we’ve decided to call our first segment. Why? Because the writers are on strike, obviously.

We have an issue today that needs to be discussed. Let’s start with something easy… gather the kids around… gather some popcorn… We’re talking about abortion!

Now, they say there is a war on women. Apparently there is a was on the women inside the women. If you’re a woman in the belly… watch out! It’s that woman on the outside of the belly that might just do you in.

Now many women who are pro-abortion are nice people… and ironically most pro-abortionists are anti-capital punishment. Because they say it’s inhumane.

Humane, from the root work human!

As in let’s not kill people!

Why does it apply to not killing murderers, but perhaps killing babies? You see, I think it’s wrong to kill a baby. Teenagers? Not so much! They are really the annoying ones. Babies cry and they can’t help it!

See, when you have an unborn baby, you don’t know what you have yet. You could have the next Einstein, or you could have the next Hitler. You need to give the kid a chance, give them some time until they’re… 18. Then they’re going to start annoying you and that’s when you’re really going to wonder if abortion might make sense!

You can sit them down, have that talk: “Son, you quit school, still don’t have a job… I’m afraid it’s time to abort you son.” That would make a graduation celebration:

“Well, you graduated. What would you like? A car?”

“I want to live, father.”

Okay! At least we now know why they are throwing their graduation caps in the air… they didn’t fit when they were babies. Forget The Hunger Games, we can make a good use out of that college fund. We’ll have a little game called Abort or Resort.

Now, the question often asked when talking about aborting is: “Why do you let one issue define your politics?” Oh, I don’t know… maybe because death trumps recycling!

Paper, plastic… or baby?

It’s not that recycling isn’t important, because it is!

Abortion is a very difficult decision not to be taken lightly. I have a difficult time deciding when I’m faced with a loaded menu at a restaurant. I can’t imagine the mental stress of deciding what to do with an unborn child.

Speaking of controversy, crisis pregnancy centers are controversial to abortion advocates. Abortion advocates have charged them with “imitating their clinic’s sign in order to trick women into visiting them.” That’s almost as tricky as naming your abortion clinic Planned Parenthood!

Planned Parenthood needs to rename itself to Planned Un-parenthood, because they create un-parents, at least be honest!

Seriously, change your name to Easy Parenthood, or Alice in I-Wonder-Where-My-Baby-Went-Land, or Charlie And The Organ Factory.

Come on, if we’re going to abort, let’s at least make it funny!

What other part of the body do we remove arbitrarily? Has anyone ever said, “Can you take out a Kidney? It’s my body and I don’t want it!”

If that’s the level of reasoning you have, then back to my original example: Why let age get in the way of a good abortion? Remember what Chesterton said “Let all the babies be born, then let us drown those we do not like.”

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