Once upon a time, there was nothing. No earth. No sky. No universe. Not even molecules. Nothing.
Over time… wait, there was no time because it was nothing… Okay, but nothing apparently got lonely, or bored or antsy – which nothingness tends to do. And suddenly, out of the blue (not that blue existed because there was no light thus no color)… anyway, for sake of argument, nothing – for no reason whatsoever – blow up!
But immediately after blowing up, what once was nothing suddenly became a whole bunch of something. Nothing we humans would recognize, but something nonetheless.
Suddenly, for no good reason, there were molecules that instantly became the periodic table with interesting stuff like hydrogen and carbon. And, with that came heat and light and even defined space. For if something blew up, it had to blow up from somewhere and keep expanding towards somewhere else, thus creating borders… so to speak.
Anyway, after a while… though “while” didn’t exist since nothing intelligent could say it had been “a while” yet.
Anyways… some of the matter began slowing down and cooling. And some combined with other stuff and became balls of heated stuff that began to cool down in the form of a sphere, for some reason. Because of gravity – which somehow was invented because of the explosion… which happened for no reason.
But one of these orbs had enough interesting stuff to become water and soil and form an atmosphere that eventually would be destroyed by greenhouse gases… but, that’s a long time for now!
And anyway, the ozone should have anticipated that and made its layer more resilient!
This was the beginning of the earth… though, it wasn’t called “Earth” then. And it didn’t even know it was there.
What was interesting, from a human perspective (which, by the way, is the only perspective that utilizes the concept of interesting), was that some of the same accidental, for no good reason stuff made chemicals which took the form of water and soil. They also became, by accident, plants and organism that were autonomous and separate from the rest of the stuff, and was actually what we would call alive.
But, even though it was alive, it didn’t know it. And it didn’t care. For some reason, though, its aliveness was somehow better then non-aliveness – to the point that over time, as long as it was still around, it would accidentally mutate appendages and gills and eyes and all kinds of accidental stuff that accidentally allowed it to survive… even though it didn’t know it wanted to.
So, to make a long, long story short: because the stuff was still around and because it accidentally, without purpose, would for no reason develop stuff that kept it alive, but got even more bored; and so now and again would birth a kid that no longer looked like it, but instead was something completely different… of another species.
Some of these completely different things were monkey-looking-ape-thingamajiggers whose only quality that made it special was figuring out how to use tree branches to hit things with. It also noticed stuff like fire, which when touched, burned and hurt; but if you threw meat into it, it tasted good. And, it was somehow more civilized than simply eating raw meat… which it had done up until this. It, interestingly enough, never needed fire to cook with in the first place… but it decided to suddenly for no reason.
Over time these “alive-nicks” kept accidentally growing things on their bodies and getting a bigger brain… for no reason. And they began to officially think (whatever that means) and take charcoal to draw pictures and communicate with other meaningless things, which eventually led to cell phones and text messaging and destroying the environment.
All of this, by the way, had no meaning or purpose. It just happened. Until, over time, the stuff that came from nothing formed a brain, which began to look at the sky and wonder where it came from. Because, apparently nothingness that explodes becomes curious over time and wants to discover itself.
Star matter made of molecules reaches a point where it says, “Look! I’m star matter and exist for no apparent reason. And have no purpose but to discover that I have no meaning. And I choose to find meaning in that discovery. I will also only believe in my matter and stuff I can observe and experiment on. And anything I can’t hold, or observe, or repeat in an experiment isn’t real. And I don’t believe in it! (except… well, maybe love, or art, or courage, or justice, or joy, or curiosity, or mercy, or philanthropy, or goodness, or truth, or right and wrong, happiness, and purpose.”
Yes, meaninglessness believes in purpose.
“None of those things can I test, repeat, and hold in my hand. But, I am going to believe in it anyway, so I can fool myself into believing that meaninglessness and accidental appearing is true, and real, and worth knowing.”
… and I believe in God… so I guess that makes me the idiot.
I’m Brad Stine… and I have issues.
And now it’s time for Truth vs. the World! – True stories about the world we live in, and why that becomes a problem if you live by something called “common sense”.
Today’s story concerns Paul Walsh: a 52-year-old man who left his wife and seven kids to self-identify as a six-year-old girl named “Stefonknee”.
Great! Now we can’t even tell people to grow up!
This has to be very hard on his children, who now have to babysit him. So, he (or she) – the 52 year old man who is a six year old girl now – found a family to adopt her! So, who gives who the airplane rides on their knee?
And, by the way, what kind of family would adopt a 52 year old man as a six year old girl? And, wherever they live… avoid them!
I saw “her” interviewed and there are times he doesn’t act like a six-year-old. Is she like the Hulk? Does he only turn into a six year old girl when there’s a responsibility involved?
Now, I know this may come across as controversial, but I’m gonna say it: Worst… Superpower… Ever! Finally, a guy that gets angry and becomes even weaker!
On a positive note, “Stefonknee” was chosen to play Peppermint Patty in the live version of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown!
(Correction… in order to make the play more culturally sensitive, it was renamed You’re a Good Person, Charlie Brown)
So, her… or his… or hers’-is’… daughter, Amanda, invited her/him to her wedding. But refused his request to be the flower girl. She told him he had to dress like a man and sit still! Stefonknee responded with, “Don’t treat me like a child!”
I knew a little girl in grade school who had a stuttering problem. One day, she went in front of the entire student body to sing, “I Feel Pretty”. She had to start the song three times. But, once she started, she sang the song all the way through. And it was beautiful.
Now THAT’S brave!
I’m Brad Stine… and I’ve got issues!
Brad Stine Has Issues: The only show on television where both points of view are given equal dignity, so we can mock them both! That’s what I love about liberty and justice for all.
Today’s first issue on the docket: Going Green!
We hear a lot about going green. But, come on folks, what does it mean? When I was a kid, we had a Jolly Green Giant… which was good. Because, if you ever find yourself alone in a dark alley with a giant, you better pray he’s jolly!
We had a talking green frog… that was in love with a pig.
That’s right, we were way ahead of the transgender folks! We saw that coming in the 60’s!
So, what am I saying?
Basically, going green, back in the day, only meant one thing: you were a freak of some kind, a giant, or a pig loving frog!
Well, guess what? Those who are extremists still have a freakish nature. And, if we go, the planet doesn’t give a rip. Because it doesn’t know we left. People disappear, and the planet’s still hanging around, making hurricanes, and earthquakes, and forest fires… and eventually, the lizard people from below the center of the earth will come out and repopulate.
What? None of you have seen Land of the Lost?
Now, God expects us to honor our environment because He gave it to us. That was in Genesis. (I mean the post-Genesis, after Peter Gabriel)
And the “green people” have become cult-like fanatics which never turns out well:
(“News Archive”): Religious leader, Jim Jones, took 900 followers to a remote island and had them drink poisoned Kool-Aid. They all died. Tithing dropped dramatically the following week.
Leave it to Jim Jones to ruin Kool-Aid for everybody!
I’ll tell you what will keep you from littering again: Sweep up a parking lot after closing. Once your eco footprint steps in a used diaper over a smashed beer bottle, “Give a Hoot Don’t Pollute” just isn’t strong enough language!
Wait a minute. If nature is our “mom”, she needs to be a better example. She litters all the time. Look at all the tree branches she scatters around the forest, making it hard for us to find the asphalt hiking paths we made to honor our being out in nature. Every stinking fall, she throws her leaves everywhere, and then I have to clean them up because she’s too lazy to do it herself!
Bring down lighting from heaven, mother!
Alright, so let me get this straight… cuz I don’t want to put my trash in the wrong bin, and cause the trash to feel bad about itself.
Black can for trash. Blue for recycling. Green for greens. Red for dismembered bodies. Orange for stuff you bought in Florida and decided to throw away. Turquoise for things for eBay and Craigslist. Pink and blue speckled ampersand sign for transgendered trash. (That’s right… paper that identifies as a banana peel)
So, in conclusion, some of you may be thinking, “Hey, we’re all on this planet together and we are all entitled to our own point of view. What… do you think your philosophy is better than a green-lovin’-recycle-fanatic-big-government-espousing-worshipper-of-nature? Huh?!”
Yeah… pretty much.
Well, here’s to truth trumping tyranny!
On this show, we’re talking about whatever needs to be discussed, so that Americans can talk again! Isn’t that what everybody says…
“We need a discussion!”
Well, we’re discussing!
We talked about things like transgenderism.
You’re not allowed to make fun of transgender people.
I didn’t make fun of them. I just brought up ideas that need to be talked about… and they were funny!
We talked about homeschoolers.
Don’t make fun of homeschooler kids, they feel bullied enough!
No they don’t. They’re homeschooled. They’re probably doing MMA for their PE class!
All the things we talk about here on Brad Stine Has Issues are hard to deal with… hard to swallow, because we’re not used to dealing with stereotypes. Why? Because stereotypes often have just enough truth to make us find the discussion funny.
You see, folks, I’d rather laugh about our differences than fight about them. I’d actually like to see if we can return to a time when we can TAKE A JOKE!
All of us. All of you. (I’m speaking to you, progressives!)
Welcome to liberty and justice for all.
And, as long as I have a mind, a mouth, and a microphone, I’m going to do some damage!
I’m Brad Stine… and I’ve got issues!
Welcome to Comedy, Liberty and Justice for All! Comedian Brad Stine takes on hot button topics such as LGBTQ, Transgenderism, homeschooling and more! To see more of Brad’s brave takes on this society we share, check out his main page on Christian Podcast Central HERE.
We try to be careful regarding the emotional fragility of some of the progressives that have tuned in accidentally. They didn’t realize that they were getting into something way over their head.
You see, if we’ve learned anything in America recently, it’s that if you can’t convince somebody of something with the facts, play the emotional card.
So, presenting this week’s emotional card is the one and only, Josh Harris!
Josh: You know, when you’ve got music, you really don’t need facts. Look at election coverage. There is a common thread out there: as long as you have a deep voice and terrifying music, anyone can get into office. Take you for example, Brad. Everyone knows you as “God’s comic”. That’s a fact… but not if I got ahold of you. With the right soundtrack, I can turn you into anything I want, whether it’s true or not. And you wouldn’t stand a chance.
Check this out:
“Do you like America? If you answered, ‘yes’, then you probably have nothing in common with Brad Stine. An illegal alien and full-time terrorist, Brad likes to brag that he’s been back to school three times… but, what he doesn’t want you to know is that it was DUI school. And, all Brad needed to get in was a .08.
“When asked if he believes in No Child Left Behind, Brad replied, ‘Not if my son takes too long to pack.’ You know, Brad likes to claim that he’s a bipartisan individual, with equal respect from both parties. But when asked who he wants to run our country, he replied, ‘I like my presidents like I like my coffee: kinda black, but brewed by white people.’
…I didn’t say that, Brad did!
Luckily, there’s Josh Harris! A die hard patriot and legal US citizen, Josh’s first child was actually a bald eagle! His favorite television station is USA, and English is his second language… because his first is American!
We know times are tough, and you feel like you’ve lost your voice, but Josh wants to give you that voice back. So, vote for Josh, and let’s put the “You” back in USA!
God bless America!”
Now it’s time for Truth vs. the World: True stories about the world we live in… and why that’s a problem (we need to make fun of things so that we can then try to fix them).
I read where a Tucson sports columnist felt that home-schooled kids shouldn’t be allowed to participate in local sports because “they have more time to practice.”
This makes perfect sense.
Perhaps tall people shouldn’t be allowed to play basketball because they have an unfair advantage.
Home schooling does have an unfair advantage, though, because the parent of the student is sleeping with the principal. So, we got that in common with public schools.
Along with a team of experts (I knew those voices would come in handy one day), I will help you make a very tough decision: homeschool versus public school?
Some things you should consider when deciding between homeschool and public school:
Now let’s look at the pros and cons of each system.
Pros of Public School:
Cons of Public School:
Pros of Homeschool:
Cons of Homeschool:
Regardless of your choice, the important thing to remember is that the wrong choice will cause irreparable psychological damage to your child. So, choose wisely. But, how could you? You weren’t homeschooled.
Since one of our issues today on Brad Stine Has Issues is transgenderism, (and those two phrases are not connected in any way) I thought I would interview a women’s restroom, known from a Christian worldview as a women’s restroom.
THOR RAMSEY: Ladies Restroom, what’s your take on the issue of transgender rights and bathrooms? So, do you think women will take advantage of this just to use the Men’s Room?
LADIES ROOM: What’s the big stink about? There’s a little restroom humor for you. To raise money for our legal defense fund we’re selling Woopie Goldberg cushions. When you sit on them they sound just like her – puurrrfttt.
THOR: How do you think we could improve Ladies Rooms for everyone?
LADIES ROOM: What I’d like to enact is a 10 friends or less line. And another line for selfies only.
THOR: Are you saying that you’d deny people the right to use you?
LADIES ROOM: Look, there are some biological women I don’t want using me. Here’s the thing, I’d rather people be able to identify where their bodily waste goes and make sure it goes there and no where else.
THOR: It has been said: “Neutrality is not an option. The issue will come and find you.” What do you have to say to that?
LADIES ROOM: Here’s something everyone can feel good about. 95% of the time when a man enters a ladies room — he’s here to clean it.
THOR: I’m certain that transgendered people would comply with that rule.
LADIES ROOM: You might be able to take the boy out of the boy, but you’re not gonna be able to take the boy out of the bathroom.
THOR: I have no idea what that means.
LADIES ROOM: Now you’re getting a handle on the issue.
THOR: The sexual revolutionaries would argue that the issues can be framed as beautiful equality vs. ugly discrimination — end of story.
LADIES ROOM: How about beautiful reality vs. you still have boy parts no matter how you dress? The seat stays down!
THOR: So, you’re not neutral on this issue?
LADIES ROOM: I’m a Ladies Room! Not a Neutral Zone!
THOR: What would Jesus do?
LADIES ROOM: He’d used the Men’s Room. He’s the Son of God. Why is this confusing?
THOR: How will this effect you personally?
LADIES ROOM: My sign. Look at this. Most people around the world look at this and get it — man. Man in kilts. Here’s a dressing room for men. Here’s a dressing room for men from Braveheart. How about this for a new sign? If this bothers you — you’re in the wrong restroom.)
THOR: How will transgendered restrooms effect the future?
LADIES ROOM: Have you ever noticed that on the USS Enterprise we’re never shown the restrooms? Maybe in the future there are no restrooms and we find an additional use for that transporter technology. “Colostomy ray on full.” You’ve heard of dark matter?
THOR: What about the rights of transgendered students?
LADIES ROOM: Look at it like this — Woman — w.o. man — Without man. As a ladies room, I don’t think in terms of close to home. You either hit the mark every time or you’re in the wrong bathroom!
THOR: Thanks for being with us today, Ladies Room.
LADIES ROOM: The seat stays down! The only thing that should go both ways is the way I open. We’re going to do our own protest called A Day Without a Restroom.
THOR: We call that Out of Order.
LADIES ROOM: Now you’re getting it.
Today’s issue is transgenderism and their outrage over Nano.
The sexual revolutionaries of our day have unleashed a kind of thinking that has come back to bite them in whatever their heinies self-identify as.
Prime example, the world is now familiar with the 20-year old woman by the name of Nano who lives in Norway and claims that she was “born in the wrong species” and self-identifies as a cat. Wow. Remember when the hardest thing to believe is that it wasn’t butter?
Many transgender people are highly offended at Nano, because quite frankly, it shows the tenuous nature of their worldview.
The reality is (and I know I’m on shaky ground in a world that denies reality), but if you have boy parts you’re a boy and if you have girl parts you’re a girl. It’s objective reality. And if you’re a boy who cuts off his boy parts that doesn’t make you a girl. It makes you a very sad boy.
Nano confirmed her suspicions of being a cat when she realized how many times a day she was saying, “Sufferin’ succotash.”
When dogs are nearby Nano hisses. Sometimes she even laments out loud, “Who let the dogs out?”
I’m not going to give you the details of her cat box, but I will say this is one girl you don’t wanna go to the beach with!
Despite having excellent predator night vision, she has confessed that she has never actually caught a mouse. Though she has been kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese twice.
Right now there are 63 identifiable gender categories. And only 31 flavors?
The prevailing cultural truth is that gender isn’t between your legs. It’s between your ears. If that’s true then why can’t species be between your ears? Or why can’t your race be between your ears? Oh, I remember… because it doesn’t match reality.
For example, if you’re in a boxing match and someone knocks you out… if the ref comes over to you and says, “Congratulations! You came in second place,” he’s lying. He’s not telling you the truth about reality.
Beware who’s brainwashing who!
This week, we introduce our Meta-Human Reporter, Thor Ramsey, who has the power to interview things other reporters dare not to… or can’t! From your local hospital… here’s THOR!
Thor: Thanks, Brad! Since one of our topics today on Brad Stine Has Issues is abortion I thought I would interview a fetus, or as the homeschoolers like to call them, babies. As one abortion advocate stated, “The fetus beat us.” Let’s find out from an unborn baby herself how she plans to accomplish this in her lifetime. So Baby…
Baby Rowe: You can call me Rowe.
Thor: Okay! Baby Rowe what is your main strategy in not being aborted?
Baby Rowe: That’s probably why I kick so much. I’m just trying to say “There is a tiny human in here, I would like to stick around!”
Thor: Baby what do you think of a women’s right to choose?
Baby Rowe: Can you give me about nine months to work it out? Get it because, I’m a woman myself, I would like a choice.
Thor: So, baby Rowe an abortion advocate has argued: at six weeks the heart beat is not audible, it’s only visible. What do you have to say to that?
Baby Rowe: So since they can only see it, it must not be there? I guess since I’m a baby that doesn’t makes sense to me. You must have to be a tenured professor at Berkley.
Thor: Okay baby Rowe give us your best argument against abortion.
Baby Rowe: Well, think of all the things you could all be missing by all the children that haven’t been allowed to live. Imagine all the good television programs and movies you’ve been deprived of. Instead of “Property Brothers” you’d be watching a show called “Property”. Who wants to watch the “Brady Couple”, or “Look Who’s Not Talking”? Do you want to be responsible for the death of Bruce Willis? Don’t answer that, this country is divided enough.
Thor: Well baby Rowe are there any other issues you’re passionate about besides the right to life?
Baby Rowe: Yes the right to bear arms, I want to right to keep my arms and my hands and my feet. How would you like it if someone just broke into your house and took your appendages?
Thor: Isn’t this really a right to privacy baby Rowe?
Baby Rowe: Well I’m all for security cameras in the womb, it’s call ultrasound my friend.
Thor: So how do you answer this question, why do you let one issue define your politics?
Baby Rowe: Well this one happens to be really close to home.
Thor: Thanks for being a good sport baby Rowe!
Baby Rowe: Well, just like every day, I’m just hoping to stay here for the duration!
Hey, it’s “God’s Comic” – Brad Stine – and I have issues!
This is my show – the show that has issues, where we defend biblical world views with jokes! God can take it, He’s a big guy.
I do bring up God because I believe in God, I think He’s real and He’s watching.
Our first segment we’ve decided to call our first segment. Why? Because the writers are on strike, obviously.
We have an issue today that needs to be discussed. Let’s start with something easy… gather the kids around… gather some popcorn… We’re talking about abortion!
Now, they say there is a war on women. Apparently there is a was on the women inside the women. If you’re a woman in the belly… watch out! It’s that woman on the outside of the belly that might just do you in.
Now many women who are pro-abortion are nice people… and ironically most pro-abortionists are anti-capital punishment. Because they say it’s inhumane.
Humane, from the root work human!
As in let’s not kill people!
Why does it apply to not killing murderers, but perhaps killing babies? You see, I think it’s wrong to kill a baby. Teenagers? Not so much! They are really the annoying ones. Babies cry and they can’t help it!
See, when you have an unborn baby, you don’t know what you have yet. You could have the next Einstein, or you could have the next Hitler. You need to give the kid a chance, give them some time until they’re… 18. Then they’re going to start annoying you and that’s when you’re really going to wonder if abortion might make sense!
You can sit them down, have that talk: “Son, you quit school, still don’t have a job… I’m afraid it’s time to abort you son.” That would make a graduation celebration:
“Well, you graduated. What would you like? A car?”
“I want to live, father.”
Okay! At least we now know why they are throwing their graduation caps in the air… they didn’t fit when they were babies. Forget The Hunger Games, we can make a good use out of that college fund. We’ll have a little game called Abort or Resort.
Now, the question often asked when talking about aborting is: “Why do you let one issue define your politics?” Oh, I don’t know… maybe because death trumps recycling!
Paper, plastic… or baby?
It’s not that recycling isn’t important, because it is!
Abortion is a very difficult decision not to be taken lightly. I have a difficult time deciding when I’m faced with a loaded menu at a restaurant. I can’t imagine the mental stress of deciding what to do with an unborn child.
Speaking of controversy, crisis pregnancy centers are controversial to abortion advocates. Abortion advocates have charged them with “imitating their clinic’s sign in order to trick women into visiting them.” That’s almost as tricky as naming your abortion clinic Planned Parenthood!
Planned Parenthood needs to rename itself to Planned Un-parenthood, because they create un-parents, at least be honest!
Seriously, change your name to Easy Parenthood, or Alice in I-Wonder-Where-My-Baby-Went-Land, or Charlie And The Organ Factory.
Come on, if we’re going to abort, let’s at least make it funny!
What other part of the body do we remove arbitrarily? Has anyone ever said, “Can you take out a Kidney? It’s my body and I don’t want it!”
If that’s the level of reasoning you have, then back to my original example: Why let age get in the way of a good abortion? Remember what Chesterton said “Let all the babies be born, then let us drown those we do not like.”